The Loud Mind Of A Quiet Person

The annoying negative voice from your mind

     So far I talked about interpersonal anxiety. But as I said, this thing implies a lot more. So, what is anxiety more exactly? Given the fact that I have been experiencing this for the last five years I should be able to talk about it. But it is difficult to describe it accurately. It is an irrational fear, it is like a second voice in your head that is not yours and always presents you the worst side of things. It is like before you want to do something, your brain is flooded by a big "What If I fail?" As I said previously, it prevents you from doing normal stuff like talking normally to another person. It also prevents you from doing anything new properly. It has been like two years and a half since I have the driving license. I wanted it so badly and failed so badly the first two times I took the driving exam because of anxiety. I was so nervous my knee would hit the car because of an uncontrollable shaking. I enjoy driving, I find it relaxing. I can combine it with my favorite music. First time I drove alone in the care I was so scared though, and had no idea why. It was not like when my dad was in the right seat he had pedals to prevent accidents. But this thought was not enough to make my anxiety about this flee. Nothing bad happened after I drove alone and the more I did it the less anxiety about it I had. I celebrated this silently as if I did such a complicated thing but it was just... driving. But doing anything when you have anxiety is very difficult, so never feel ashamed that you enjoy a victory against anxiety by successfully completing a task. I have also a fear of unknown routes, even in my city. So far I have never driven in another city. I have never had the need to but when I was in Bucharest I had always thought" I won't ever be able to drive in this city". I even have anxiety about fueling my tank. So far I have done it only once because I share the car with my dad, more exactly, he lets me drive his. AND IT IS SUCH A SIMPLE THING! But I know the next time I do it I will have the fear of not doing it right.

At least I figured out that if you repeat something you feared, the fear decreases but it also should not pass much time between repeating that action for this to have positive effects. For the mental safety of anxious people, they want to have everything under control. This is very tiring and at times ineffective because we cannot plan life 100%. Furthermore, being spontaneous from time to time makes you feel good. If you plan everything from your life, the events lack intensity because you have already thought about the outcome. It is well known that we grow when we are exiting our comfort zone. For the anxious people, the comfort zone they create is to help them fight against anxiety, so exiting this comfort zone it is even harder.

I guess that the worst thing about anxiety is that it is not rational. It happened for me so many times, or better said, every time to have anxiety before talking to a teacher during or after the class, to talk properly and to succeed making myself clear yet the next time, the fear was still there. It happened so many times to know an answer of a question and not raise my hand and say it even thought the fear was not about me being punished if I answered wrong because I knew it was not the case, we were encouraged to answer anyway. It was because I was afraid I could not communicate properly. Some people though help you indirectly if you have anxiety. Their personality alone can decrease your anxiety and make you feel comfortable when you talk to them. In the best cases, after the first sentences, you feel as if you talk to your best friend, meaning your anxiety is gone. The most awkward example of anxiety for me is when I go to buy something from a small market, where saying what I want is required unlike hypermarkets when you just say hello, pay, say goodbye and leave. I repeat "Good afternoon, I want to buy that type of bread and a bag of rice" from the moment I exit my door until I arrive there. It feels as if I am about to deliver a President's speech, not to buy a goddamn bread! It is even worse when the vendor asks me to repeat myself. Two types of sentences appear simultaneously in my head " Oh, I stammered too much, he/she did not even understand me , I feel so stupid, I cannot even buy a product" and " Really, are you going to put my to that awful struggle again?