BEAUTIFUL MONSTER

53 : I Am Human

I hadn't told anyone that for the past couple of weeks sleep had been hard to come by. I always felt restless and despite being ridiculously tired I just wasn't able to go to sleep. I didn't know why, my whole body felt ready to go into hibernation for the lack of sleep but I still lay awake in the early hours of the morning, eyes wide and stinging, staring up at the ceiling. I was frustrated and considered taking sleeping pills so I wouldn't be carrying large bags under my eyes to school the next morning.

It was 3 o clock and my phone was in my hand as my fingers flew across the keyboard, texting Kelly goodbye who decided to call it a day. Thankfully, since the incident four days ago nothing else had happened to her.

"Why are birds chirping at this hour?" I asked, grumbling to myself. I barely chuckled at the Tumblr post I was reading, something I would've found funny had it not been for my consistent yawning and thumping headache.

I decided to get up and slam the window shut. It was too early for birds to chirp so merrily as they glided across the dark sky. Halfway to stumbling to the window a hand appeared, then an arm, a head, a torso and finally a grunt.

I knew who it was immediately.

I rushed over, trying to pry his fingers off the edge. "Get the hell out!"

"Are you seriously trying to throw me off the God damn building?!" Orion batted me away, keeping his voice low as he hissed in amazement. "Just let me in."

"I don't want you anywhere near my house, that includes --" I seethed as I used both hands to push his head back out of the window. "Inside!"

"Damn it, Doll!" Orion grabbed one of my hands. "If I fall, you're coming with me. I will drag you to hell and back."

"I'm going to scream for Darius," I warned as he gained a better footing and almost hauled himself in my room.

"Scream for him. Why don't you tell him at the same time that you've also screamed for me?" He chuckled in a humourless way, gently closing the window and turning towards me.

"You're a disgusting pig. God damn it, get out of my room, out of my house, out of my God damn life!" Much to my horror I felt the threat of tears. Whether it was my inability to sleep or the Tumblr posts I was feeling more emotional than a sad romantic movie.

"You don't mean that," Orion said, though there was a certain uncertainty behind his voice.

"Don't I?" I stepped away as he stepped forward. I didn't like this dance and I certainly didn't like the hard look in his eyes. "I don't want to see you. Why can't you understand that?"

"I don't believe that's true," he said and stepped even closer as my legs hit the bed. The way he approached me was dangerous as if I was a frightened animal he was trying to catch. "I think I understand you better than you believe."

"That's --"

He caught me by the wrist but unlike I imagined his hold was gentle, if not directing and he pushed me down onto my bed, wasting no time to lay on top, his other hand moving to sit around my neck. With his face almost but not quite grazing mine and his breath touching me as he spoke, I couldn't help but feel helpless as he controlled the situation. "Why are you so scared? I'm not going to hurt you."

"Orion, don't ... Please," I turned my head away from his touch, I struggled to get my breathing under control especially with him holding onto my body the way he did.

"You don't need to be afraid of me, Doll," Orion said helplessly, never once taking his gaze away from me.

"But I do," I squeezed my eyes shut as my voice cracked like ice; breaking the tight hold I had on my emotions. "How can I protect my family, my friends, people I love if you can just lose control of yourself like that?! How am I possibly supposed to help you be a better person when I'm so..." I struggle to find the word to finish off my sentence.

"Doll," Orion said, his hands wiping my wet eyelashes. "Don't say it."

"I hate myself. I look in the mirror and all I see is self-loathing. I can't stand to meet my own gaze because I am ashamed."

"Why would you be ashamed? You've not done anything that hasn't helped your family."

"Because I am human. I feel, Orion."

Orion, for the first time, had no response.

"What we have here is destructive, the path we're on has no happy ending. Do you see a future for us? Maybe I'm blinded but I don't. All I see is my consistent lying and sneaking around and your murders."

"It is not your fault. Doll, don't cry."

"How sick must I be to fall for you?" I no longer looked at him. All I could feel was the pounding of the headache and the raw emotions that were eating me alive. "I want to be a good person. People have died and they've been hurt. What sort of person am I to allow that to happen? I can't keep turning my emotions off. My neighbour, my friend, my doctor - don't you see? Everyone I love is dying. The more I'm with you the more people I have to say goodbye to."

"You don't have to. We can work this out."

"Can we? The relationship we have is not healthy. We rely on each other to breathe. The more we inhale the harder it becomes to hold our breath when we're away from each other."

"What are you trying to say?" Orion no longer had control and he held onto my words like a desperate man. "This sounds like a ... Don't do this to me, Doll."

"No, you don't do this to me! Do you even realise the amount of shit I go through every day?! I've given up my life to be with you, Orion, with you."

He moved, grabbing my chin and kissing me but I pushed him away, the taste of salty tears in my mouth. "Stop, Orion, just ... Stop."

"I love you, I've never loved anyone as much as you. I want to do what you ask me to but I battle with my nature because I am a weak man. I am weak for you, Doll. Everything you say, everything you do, you capture my attention. I love you. You have a beauty and you have a spark and you ignite a desire inside of me; I want you in the most innocent and the most filthiest of ways. And I can see the anguish I've put you under and I can only watch on as you cry right now but I know you, Doll. You do try to help others, you'd lay your life down for the people you love and you're brave. You stand up for what's wrong and you try to change me. Most people would've fallen apart by now but don't you see, you might be stumbling but you're determined to stand and that's what makes you you ... and I can't stand to see you cry, it makes me weak at the knees and you're making me fall." The slow, electrifying touch of his lips gently pressed against the base of my throat and he held me as I closed my eyes and groaned in the softest of ways. I felt it; the need that encased and trapped me and made my body and mind yearn for him. "Let me make love to you, my love, give me your all and I promise you with my life to give you the antidote to your pain."

*****