Without A Doubt

Chapter 1.

"No Mayson, we're done. I'm tired of feeling like you don't even care."

"That's not true." I tried to rebut, except it was no use. Mariah had a way of going off on a tangent and making it all my fault. Although she's not actually wrong. It is all my fault. This is the third girl in a row that has told me this. Despite my reputation I'm not the type of girl that likes to jump around from one girl to the next. Like I said though, my reputation would tell you otherwise.

"It's like you're not even trying. You don't put any effort into our relationship and that's all I'm doing..." I stopped listening again. We're in the library right now and even though this is supposed to be a quiet place she's getting kind of loud. People are starting to stare. I guess it's time for me to do my little speech. I put my hands on her shoulders and looked her right in the eyes. I've gotten good at this part of the relationship, the end of it.

"Mariah you're right. I'm sorry. You deserve better. You deserve someone who makes you feel like you're the most important person in the world. I'm not good enough for you. You are an amazing person and you deserve so much better than me." Her eyes softened and she gave me a sideways smile, just like all the rest of them. I'm in the clear.

"I just hope we can still be friends." I lied. She pulled my hands off her shoulders, I'd forgotten they were there, and held my hands down in front of us.

"You're so sweet Mayson. We can still be friends." She gave me a kiss on the cheek and walked away. I rolled my eyes and went back to my table. I was in the middle of this really good book when Mariah stormed in asking why I wasn't at lunch and why I didn't care about her. I wasn't at lunch because I never go to the cafeteria. I hate the noise. It makes me anxious. The library is better anyways. There's no one here to bother me. I sat down, picked up my book and started reading, until my phone started going off. I picked it up and again rolled my eyes. It was the group chat, they already found out. It's been like 10 minutes. I put my phone on do not disturb and dove back into my book.

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I wasn't always like this. Or maybe I was. I don't know. I'm not a sociopath, I have emotions but feelings and relationships are hard for me. Especially because the only person I've ever loved didn't love me back. The only good that came out of it was that now I'm a basketball and track and volleyball star. It's a long story that I don't feel like getting into.

I don't do well with crowds of people. Walking down the hallways I always have my headphones in. Helps to drown out the noise. I know I sound crazy but I'm actually not. I just have anxiety. It's more of a nuisance than anything else. Of course, no one knows I have it, especially the people on my teams. Speaking of which one of them is walking up to me right now. I can see Emma separating the crowd to get to me. Emma is probably the closest friend that I have, maybe the only one I really have. Everyone else likes to say they're friends with me but they don't actually know me. As she bulldozes her way to me I can already see the smile on her face. I pull my Air Pod out. There's no way I'm getting out of this one.

"So, what happened this time?"

"Same as usual. I wasn't putting effort into our relationship." I got really dramatic as I said the last part.

"Are you okay? This one lasted a little longer than the others." I wanted to laugh.

"It only lasted so long because I couldn't get a word in to end it." Emma just started laughing.

"Why'd you even go out with her?"

"I don't know. She was into me and she is hot so I figured I might as well."

"Well I guess that's as good a reason as any."

"I guess." I wrapped my hand around my back-pack straps and kept walking. Emma has this next class with me. I've always liked Emma. I met her sophomore year when she moved up to varsity for volleyball, before that we'd never really talked. When we started getting kind of close the first thing she said to me was 'I like you a lot but I'm not gay. I just wanted to put that out there.' It made me laugh. She thinks I'd fall for someone that easily. Although in her defense half the girls at this school think they're in love with someone as soon as they start getting a little bit of attention. That's not real love though, that's infatuation. That's nothing more than a fleeting feeling. Real love takes time. Real loves break's you down piece by piece until there's nothing left.

"Are you ready for the test?" Oh shit.

"I forgot about that."

"I told you about it last night Mayson."

"Yeah I know. It's fine. I read the book, how hard could it be?"

"I'm sure you'll be fine. You're the smartest one in this class anyways." I just shrugged my shoulders and agreed. Its AP English, but I love books and writing and everything that comes with it.

That was one of the easiest tests I've ever taken. It was only asking about things that happened in the book and then vocabulary. I thought it would have been asking about things like literary elements and the true meaning behind the words. Guess not. Emma and I always walk to the gym together even though we're playing different sports now. Volleyball ended about a week or so ago which means it's time to exchange my spandex for long shorts. Since volleyball and basketball overlap I'm coming into the season late. Practices started about two weeks before volleyball ended. Doesn't matter though, I still have my spot on varsity.

When practice was over I just wanted to change and go home, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. In the locker room I was already halfway changed when some of the girls from my group chat walked up. Great.

"So, I heard Mariah dumped you today." I looked up from the shoe I was tying to see Jackie and Ashlyn standing over me.

"Well you heard right." I said. Jackie was glaring at me, she doesn't like me very much. Last summer Emma and I went to this party. Everything was going okay. I was actually having a good time. I actually like going out to parties. That's the funny thing about my anxiety, it hits me at the most random times. Like I could be at the grocery store and all of a sudden, I can't breathe; but at a party surrounded by dozens of drunk idiots I'm perfectly fine. Stupid.

We were at this party, I don't even know whose house it was, and everything was fine. Emma and I were in the kitchen getting her a drink. She put a couple different liquors into a red solo cup while I had a bottled water in my hand. At parties we kind of have a system. Emma goes and finds guys she might want to hook up with, if she decides he's not good enough I go in and bail her out. Emma was dancing with some guy while I went to grab another water. When I walked back to the living room I could tell she wasn't going to need me this time. I left the living room to go find the bathroom. I ended up getting lost in the crowd and walked into a random bedroom. When I walked into the room I saw Jackie sitting on the bed. She was sort of crying, but she refused to let me see. I could tell she was drunk because of the way she was sitting.

"Hey are you okay?" I asked. She gave me a sort of confused look. Like she was trying to figure out if I was being genuine or just nosey.

"Yeah I'm fine." I sat down next to her and just sat there. I never know what to do in these situations. I hate when people cry but I can't just leave because then I'd feel guilty. I'd rather feel uncomfortable than guilty. We started talking about whatever it was she was going through, I don't remember what it was now but at the time it was world ending apparently. Before I knew what was happening she was on top of me trying to get my clothes off. I may have a reputation as a player but I don't just sleep around with girls, especially drunk ones. So, I told her no. The next day she told me to never tell anyone that I came onto her and what not.

"So, who's next?" Ashlyn asked still standing behind Jackie.

"You could be. If you wanted to." I said winking at her. Jackie rolled her eyes and they walked off. It's easier this way. Everyone thinks what they want so I might as well play into it.