Without A Doubt

.Chapter 37.

£Warning. The following may cause anxiety£

"So, are you gonna go tomorrow?" Emma's talking about club. I haven't gone in a week. Every morning that I had it I'd wake up and debate on whether or not I should go. I'd lay in bed staring at the clock until it was time for me to get up to go to school. I couldn't bring myself to go. I couldn't bring myself to see Liv. I also haven't talked to anyone else from the group. I've gotten a few texts from everyone but I never text back. They're Liv's friends, and it should stay that way.

"Probably not." I said. Emma's been eating lunch with me almost every day. I told her that I was fine and that she should eat with Jason, but she refuses.

"Maybe you should." I didn't look up at her. I knew she was giving me her sad pity-filled look. It's the same one she's been giving me since everything happened with Liv.

"I'd rather not." Emma just gave me a quiet okay and dropped the subject. We spent the rest of the time in silence or barely talking. When lunch was over and we left the library, Emma gave me a hug and left. I walked to 5th period and spent the period the way I've spend every class in the last week. Thinking of Liv the whole time. Every time it's quiet or I have nothing to focus on I start to think about her. She's all I can ever think about.

For some reason today just seemed to suck more than the rest. While Ms. Scott was lecturing about The Great Gatsby I couldn't keep my head up. I put my head down and tried to listen still, but my eyelids started getting heavy. Before I knew it, Emma was waking me up because the bell rang.

"Come on." She said. I gathered my things and put them in my backpack. I felt groggy and out of it because I hadn't even realized that I fell asleep. I was already following Emma out the door when Ms. Scott said

"Mayson, could I have a word?" I let out a breath and walked to her. As soon as I was in front of her I said

"I'm sorry I fell asleep." This has already happened a couple of times. She's never said anything but I'm sure she doesn't appreciate me sleeping during her lectures.

"Have you read the book?" I sort of smiled a bit.

"Twice." She returned my smile, but it faded as quickly as it came.

"We've missed you at club." I didn't know what to say, so I just looked down at my shoes and stayed quiet.

"I think you should come. It's a free write. You don't have to read, but I know everyone would like it if you went." I laughed at the thought. I know Liv would hate it if I went. I was about to say something when someone walked in. Then I remembered that Liv has this class next.

"Maybe. I have to go though. I have practice." And with that I ran off into the hall way. I kept my head down just in case she was walking by. I want to see her, I want to talk to her, but she doesn't want anything to do with people like me. And more so, I don't want to see that look on her face. The hurt in her eyes. I don't want to see it. It hurts too much.

During practice I felt like I was just going through the motions. Mostly because that's all I was doing. Jackie won't talk to me, she won't look at me, she won't even acknowledge my existence. But when we play, she plays with me. I don't know how to explain it. She wasn't being a ball hog or not passing to me, but she still was distant. I felt so guilty. I wanted to apologize but even if I did she'd just tell me to fuck off. Although I don't really blame her. Words have weight. They have consequences. I knew that. Yet I still said those things to her. It wasn't right. I shouldn't have fought back.

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It's 7:15 in the morning and I'm sitting in my car trying to make myself go inside. The latest we ever finish is 7:30ish. I have to go in. I can't explain it but something is pulling me in. I don't know what I'll say for sure. I have some random thoughts in my head that can be put together, but other than that I don't have anything solid. I wrote down a couple of sentences in my notebook but like I said, it's not solid. 7:20. I should go. All the anxious thoughts were going through my mind at a hundred miles per hour. What if Liv walks out? What if she decides to tell me off in front of everyone? What if I have an anxiety attack? I felt my hands start to shake. All the what ifs were terrifying.

Screw it. I got out of my car, threw my backpack on my shoulder and started walking for the door. Breathe. Keep walking. I checked to make sure I had the little case of pills in my pocket. I did. Breathe. I'm okay. I hope I'll be okay. I walked into the library with my hands in my pocket because they were shaking still. Ms. Scott was in front of everyone. Probably telling them that they did a good job. When she saw me she looked up and smiled. This caused everyone else to turn around and face me. When Liv's eyes met mine she immediately turned around. I could see the tension in her body. Everyone else was sort of smiling at me. It wasn't so much a smile as it was an awkward tight lipped look.

"Welcome back Mayson." Ms. Scott smiled. I stayed quiet as a couple of them said hi. I slowly made my way closer to them.

"Did you have something to read?" Scott asked with a hopeful smile. I didn't say anything. I only nodded my head.

"Well come on up." I set my backpack down on my side of the table. I then pulled out my notebook and tried to figure out what the hell I was going to say. My hands were shaking and my heartbeat was in my ears. I pulled out my notebook, mostly so that I'd have something to hold onto and focus on, from my back pack and stood up in front of everyone. Everyone was sitting in front of me. David and Peter to my right. Jane and Carter to my left, and Liv in the middle of them. Everyone's eyes were on me except for Liv's. She was looking down at her hands. I took a breath and looked down at the paper. On it was nothing more than scribbles and scattered words.

"I, uhh, well." I took a breath. I need to breathe and calm down.

"A while back I wrote a poem. In it I said that um, love, was unobtainable." I looked around the room.

"For the longest time I felt like there was something broken inside me. I felt hollow. But then, I met you." I could feel my hands shaking even more. I just kept staring at the paper as I let the words come out.

"From the moment I saw you I was intrigued. You were fiery, and stubborn, and honest. When I heard you read for the first time, I was in awe. I had never heard something so truthful." I felt the lump in my throat start to form. It was getting harder and harder to speak.

"You broke down all of my wall." I paused. I tried to collect myself.

"But I messed up." I felt a tear fall down my cheek.

"And I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I'm so sorry. I wish you had never met me. Because if you hadn't..." I can't breathe.

"I would've never hurt you." I stayed looking down for a moment. The tears just kept falling. When I finally looked up I looked at Liv. She had her arms wrapped around herself and she refused to look at me. In my mind I was silently pleading with her, begging her, to just look at me. But she didn't. Everything was quiet.

"I'm sorry." It was all I could say before I picked up my backpack and walked out of the library. I never meant to hurt her.

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Peter's POV

In an unexpected fashion Mayson decided to come to club. She hadn't been in a week. After everything that has transpired between her and Liv I could understand why she didn't want to come. She showed up after we had all read. When she walked in I could see that it was challenging for her to come. I wondered what had really happened? Liv doesn't talk about it much. If I'm being completely candid I've only heard the rumors, and nothing more. When it all happened Liv basically just shut down. Her stories for the past week have been very telling though. I know she is in pain. We have all tried to help but when we asked if there was anything we could do she would give a sad sideways smile and say "I'm okay. Thank you though."

As Mayson read, the tension in the room grew tenfold. Mayson has always written in a way that's somewhat hidden. She always speaks metaphorically or in a way that her words can have multiple meanings, so you can never pin point exactly what she's talking about. This read though, it was very straight forward and sincere. When she started crying it hurt me. She's my friend. It pains me to know that she and Liv are both suffering.

"I'm sorry." She finished. Before any of us knew what was going on she was already out the door. I looked at Liv.

"Are you okay?" Jane asked her. Liv only shook her head no. When she turned her head, I could see the tears falling down her face. She was trying to wipe the tears out of her eyes. This all happened within a few seconds. I stood up and ran outside the library to find Mayson. When I looked around the hall though she was nowhere to be seen. I walked farther into the hall but she was gone. I hope she's okay.