Without A Doubt

Chapter 40.

Mayson's POV

I need to find Emma. Why was she with Liv? Why would they be together? What were they talking about? They had to be talking about me, right? That's conceded. Are they talking about me?

I was in the middle of practice when I ran to the cooler to grab some water. I just so happened to look through the door windows when I saw Emma pass by with Liv. I don't think Liv saw me because I was off to the side and not in the middle of the court. For the rest of practice my mind was going so fast that it made all of me start getting jittery. Today's Wednesday so that means we're just running cones. Normally I'm a few cones ahead of everyone. I'm actually lapping people right now. I can't slow down. I feel like I need to keep going faster. I had been in my head so long that when I ran out of ball handling drills I didn't know what to do. I looked at Hall with a confused look. Everyone else still had like 2 more rounds.

"You can keep going." She said in a sarcastic laughing sort of way. It was better than standing still so I went and did the last ball handling drill again. My hands were shaking and I couldn't stand still. Why was Emma with her? Where were they going? Doesn't Liv have an NHS meeting today? Why is she skipping? After we finished cones we were standing around waiting for the last few stragglers to finish. Like I said, I couldn't stand still. I kept bouncing the ball back and forth in front of me or between my legs. I needed to keep moving.

"What's going on with you?" I looked to my left and saw Jackie standing next to me.

"I just want to get out of here already."

"Why?" I just sort of looked at her. I don't know if I should trust her.

"I saw Emma with Liv. I want to know why they were together." Jackie nodded her head and just sort of looked at me.

"I'm sure it'll be okay." She walked away after she said that. I felt conflicted. Mostly because I was confused as to why she was being even somewhat empathetic.

Once everyone was done running Hall called us to her and broke us out. After that I changed as fast as I could and ran out to my car. I sat there for a second and thought about it. What am I supposed to do now? I can't call Liv. I don't know what I'm supposed to ask Emma. It's none of my business what they talked about. It's not my place to ask. But that doesn't stop me from wondering. I was just staring at my windshield trying to figure out what the hell to do when I saw a couple drops fall on it. Wonderful. I hate it when it rains. It makes me anxious. I could feel my hands shaking. I pulled my car around to the baseball fields parking lot. I didn't want to just be sitting in my car as everyone came out of the gym. I had barely put the car in park when I got a text from Emma. It read,

I talked to Liv today

I didn't know what to say.

How come?

I was trying not to sound too interested.

I wanted to see how she was doing

Is she okay?

Kinda

What do you mean kinda? Is she okay? Did something happen?

I started feeling even more anxious. The clouds were starting to darken and I could feel the slight headache starting to form in the back of my head.

Breathe. She's okay, nothing happened. She's just... heartbroken

I sat there staring at the word. Heartbroken. It just kept repeating over and over in my mind. Heartbroken. I could feel it in my chest. I could hear it in her voice. I could see it in her eyes.

Mayson?

I didn't text back.

Mayson, I think you should talk to her. Tell her what happened.

I can't.

Why not?

Because I can't.

I can't put her through any more. I can't hurt her anymore. I don't even know if I could get the words out. Even when I was in front of her after class I couldn't say anything. I couldn't do anything but freeze.

Mayson I'm going to say this once. Go fucking talk to her. She deserves an explanation at least. I know you go MIA sometimes and you just don't talk, but you can't just cut her out because you're afraid. You can keep telling yourself that it's because you don't want to hurt her, and that might be a part of it, but you need to quit your shit. Stop being afraid. Go talk to her.

Okay

On impulse I threw my phone in the passenger's seat and started driving. As I drove I felt my mind go blank, but my body was running on nervous energy. My hands were shaking and the rain was starting to come down harder. My headache started to get stronger. Cold and rainy fucks with my head, and my body. I turned the heater up as high as it would go, but it wasn't enough. It's like my internal body temperature was too low.

By the time I pulled up Liv's house the rain was coming down, hard. Without any thoughts in my head I got off the car and walked to Liv's door. I shouldn't be here. I should just go home. Every step I took caused another doubt. I could feel every cold drop of rain falling on my skin. I felt the shivers flowing through my body. Keep going. Keep walking. Keep breathing. I could feel myself almost panting. My breathing was shallow and I didn't know if I would keep breathing. I got to the door and knocked. I don't know if I can do this. What if she closes the door in my face? What if she yells at me? As I stood there worrying I heard some rustling and then the door opened.

"Mayson?"

"I..."