Without A Doubt

Chapter 34.

"Alright ladies, have a good game." The refs said. Eden and I were standing in the center of the court with the refs and two girls from concave. I hadn't heard anything the refs had said but it's always the same shit. Play fair, watch the hands, don't reach, no cursing, and all that nonsense. I turned around and started walking back to the bench with Eden.

"Are you okay May?" I hate it when people call me that.

"I'm fine." It came out more aggressive than I'd meant it to. Eden gave me a look and kept walking. When we got back to the bench Eden relayed what the refs had said to Hall and the rest of the girls. I just kept looking down at the Nike symbol on my shoes. I refused to look up. Not only was I still angry at everyone and myself, now I felt guilty. I hated myself even more. After I had come out of the locker room I went into the stands and put my headphones in hoping no one would talk to me. I would have gone to my car but I didn't trust myself not to drive away and go home. I didn't see Jackie until we were on the court warming up for our game. She wouldn't look at me, and vice versa. The one time we did make eye contact I felt her trying to kill me with the look she was giving me. I didn't care though. I deserved it.

"Okay we're going to start in a..." I stopped listening. I couldn't pin point a feeling. I couldn't figure out what was going through my head. Everything in my head was silent. It was deafening. And all I was left with was this overwhelming sense of dread. Every step I made felt heavy. I wondered if I could run.

"Now go out there and have some fun." I walked onto the court and took a breath. I looked up at the other team and tried to get my head in the game. This is going to be a long game.

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By half time we were up by 20 points. I'm playing well. Surprisingly. Maybe because I can't actually function right now. My body is running off of muscle memory, nothing more, nothing less. All I can think about is Liv. I haven't looked into the stands at all. I know she's not there, I don't want to look and confirm that fact. I wish I didn't have to play. I wish I could find her and tell her all the things I wanted to say but couldn't. It's killing me. Because if I'm not thinking about Liv my head is just quiet. It's a torturous cycle. Jackie hasn't come near me this entire game. I don't really blame her. I don't know what Jackie told Ashlyn but she is glaring at me too. I don't care though. It doesn't make a difference to me. They both already hate me. No point in trying to change their minds.

The concave girls are assholes too. They're pissed off that they're losing so they're playing dirty. They keep pushing us around. They've already gotten 3 charges because of me. I kept running in front of them when they went in for a layup. Every single time, they would drop their shoulder and ram into me as hard as they could. I went flying on the last one and my head slammed into the ground. It hurt like hell, but it's okay. I deserved it. After what I did to Liv, after what I couldn't say, I deserve much worse. Before I knew what was going on I was walking back onto the court. I looked over at Jackie. The look in her eyes was angry. I felt it in my back. As in my muscles started to tense up. To contract and strain. I closed my eyes and moved forward. It was all I could do.

Half way through the 4th quarter I was inbounding the ball to Jackie. She hadn't said anything to me this entire game. When the ref handed me the ball Jackie looked at me and just stared for a second. I looked down at the ball then bounced it to her. I shouldn't have said those things to her. She told everyone about our fling. She told everyone I cheated on Liv. But she didn't break us up. I did. I'm the one that didn't tell Liv. I'm the one that still slept with Jackie even after Liv and I kissed that one night. It's my fault. I stepped onto the court and looked up at number 23. She was the concave girl that was supposed to be guarding me. She was also the girl that I gave 2 of the 3 fouls because she charged me. She's also the one that rammed me so hard I hit my head. She doesn't like me. I'll just add her name to the list.

I ran to my spot on the wing. Concave is running a half man half zone defense. They're mostly running zone but they start getting unorganized and then switch off to man. Its sloppy. Jackie passed the ball down to Eden who was in the corner. They all migrated to Eden so I ran to the elbow because it was wide open. Eden passed it over the girls and I turned and shot. It went in with a little swish. I turned around to see Jackie's girl ram her shoulder into Jackie as she ran back to get on defense. I could already tell that Jackie was pissed off. She was playing fast and a somewhat uncoordinated. She wasn't making too many mistakes but they were there. If it were any other team we were playing it would have cost us, but this is concave.

I ran back and got on defense on the elbow. Since we're ahead Hall put us in a hard zone trapping in the corner every time. We call it 24 red. Jackie was to my right on the other elbow while Eden, Ashlyn, and Maddie were behind us. 23 brought the ball down and passed to her left, Jackie's girl. Her girl tried to drive in up the middle between Jackie and I. I shouldn't say she was trying to drive up the middle actually. She was trying to drive into Jackie. Both of them ended up falling to the floor. When they got up the girl was in Jackie's face telling her shit. I couldn't hear what was being said but before I knew it I was running towards them.

"You fucking rammed into me." I could hear someone say. I got in between them and tried to get them apart. I had my forearm over Jackie's chest pushing her back and my hand in front of the concave girl. I was not about to touch her.

"Get the fuck off me." The girl started telling me. By now we had both of our teams surrounding us.

"You better get your girl." Someone else said. I pushed Jackie's shoulder back a bit and tried to get her back to our bench.

"Run back to your side bitch." The girl said. At this Jackie pushed me out of the way and ran towards the girl. She grabbed her by the hair and pulled them both to the ground. I looked down at my shoes as I felt all of our team run towards the two girls on the floor fighting. I walked to the wall behind the basket and leaned back against it. I sunk down until I was sitting with my knees up. Through all the chaos all I could hear was my own heart beating. It wasn't racing, it was just steady. I could just hear its rhythm in the chaos. The only thought on my mind was 'Liv'.

We won the game 58-32.