Without A Doubt

Chapter 38.

Mayson POV

I can't breathe. As I ran out of the library I couldn't get my breathing under control. I could feel my hands shaking and my heart was beating out of my chest. It's 7:40. There're already students shuffling into the school. I have to get out of here. I can't breathe. I ran into the nearest bathroom and into the handicap stall. I threw my backpack down and then pulled the little case out of my pocket. I grabbed the water bottle from my backpack and downed one pill. I backed into the corner and tried to breathe. I can't. My airway is closing. I can't stop shaking. I sunk to the floor with my head in my hands and tried to stop the thoughts. Tries to stop the spiraling.

I'm okay

I'm okay

I'm okay

I'm not okay.

Just breathe

I can't breathe

She wouldn't even look at me

I sat there on the floor just trying to compose myself. I wasn't crying so that was good, but I was still shaking. I sat there waiting for the meds to kick in. I can't take another one or else I won't be able to get through the day. After some time, my phone started ringing. With shaky hands I took my phone out of my pocket and saw it was Emma, so I answered it.

"Hello?" My voice came out shaky and weak.

"Mayson, where are you?" The worry in her voice was evident.

"English hall bathroom."

"Stay there I'll be there in a second." It's not like I had any other plans. I rested my head on my knees as I sat in wait. Emma burst into the bathroom with a dramatic flare.

"Mayson?"

"Here." I was coming down from the anxious feeling. All I was left with was the hollowness. The emptiness that came with knowing I hurt Liv. Emma pushed open the stall door and looked down at me. I had forgotten to lock the door, so it had just swung shut but wasn't locked.

"Woah hey what happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm okay." I am now at least. I feel exhausted though. I feel like there's still something lingering in my bloodstream. Emma sat down in front of me and closed the stall door.

"What happened?"

"I had a panic attack."

"Why?" I sat there and told her the whole story about club this morning. I told her about what I'd read. How Liv wouldn't look at me. I didn't tell her that I had this crushing feeling because I know I can't fix this. I didn't tell her that it broke my heart more than anything to know that I hurt Liv this much. She only looked into my eyes once, but I could feel it. I couldn't explain exactly what it was, the look in her eye, but I knew exactly how it felt. Because it's the same feeling I've had since everything happened. Emma and I just sat there talking until the bell rang.

"We should probably go." I said. Emma nodded her head and stood up, and I followed her out. I felt off. I felt like I could have a panic attack at any moment. I don't know if I'll be able to survive the day.

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So far today hasn't been too bad. Because of my panic attack my brain has been off the whole day. I can't think straight, and it sort of feels like I'm sleep walking. No one is really bothering me though, so that's a plus. Emma has been texting me all day, checking up on me and whatnot. I really want to just go home and sleep off this anxiety hangover. That's what I call it.

By the time I got to practice I just wanted the day to be over. We have a bi this week so we don't have a game today. I was thankful for that. Hall had us going over plays and the usual things. We did some drills for the first hour but after that we were just half way scrimmaging. Jackie stayed away from me, same as she had been for the past week or so. Every time I saw her I felt guilty. When practice was over I started for the locker room to change when I heard

"Hunt. Come here for a minute." Why do they always want to talk to me? Why can't it ever be someone else?

"Yes coach?" I was exhausted already.

"Should I be concerned about what's going on with you and Mitchell?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean one minute you're at each other throats and the next you aren't speaking. Don't get me wrong I prefer the civility but is it just the calm before the storm?" I looked down at my shoes.

"I honestly don't know." Hall let out a sigh.

"Just make sure that whatever happens doesn't happen on my court."

"Yes coach." I left Hall and made my way to the locker room. I think everyone wanted to get out of here because we didn't have a game today. It's our first Tuesday off in weeks. Hall had even let us out of practice early to be nice. By the time I got to the locker room it was already empty. I walked to my locker and started changing. I had just changed into my other shirt when I heard rustling behind me. I turned around to see Jackie standing walking out behind me.

"Jackie wait." On impulse I ran out behind her because she didn't stop.

"Jackie please?" She stopped and turned around to face me. We were standing in the corridor that connects the locker room to the gym. She turned around and just stared at me. Her face was blank and I couldn't read it. For the first time I couldn't tell what she was thinking.

"What?" She asked. Her voice was bitter.

"I'm sorry." She rolled her eyes.

"I am. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. And I'm..." She cut me off

"You had no right to say anything about me. So, fuck you." I felt my muscles tighten.

"You're right. I was angry. But you destroyed my relationship."

"Oh, boo hoo. You can just jump to the next one." I felt my anger start to burn. But not like it did before.

"I don't want to jump to the next one, I love her. And no matter what you and everyone else think I don't like jumping from girl to girl."

"You expect me to believe that after what you did to me?"

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't think you cared that much. I didn't think it meant anything to you. I mean you were still messing around with Asher. How was I supposed to know it meant more?" She stayed quiet.

"I'm sorry Jackie. For everything. I shouldn't have said those things to you. I shouldn't have let things go on for as long as they did. But you got back at me. Okay. You broke us up. And now she's never going to talk to me again. So, there. Are you happy?" Jackie rolled her eyes.

"No, I'm not happy." She mumbled.

"Well, me neither." I said back. She just looked at me.

"I don't want to fight with you anymore." I said truthfully.

"Can we please just stop this already?" She stayed quiet. After what seemed like an eternity she said

"Fine." I tightened my lips and nodded my head. I then turned around to go to the locker room to finish changing. I was almost at the door when I heard Jackie say,

"I'm sorry." I kept walking into the locker room. I forgive her. Even after everything. I forgive her.