Nightmares

Chapter eleven: Carter

I stared at my ceiling. Daydreaming even though it was four am. Or was I just dreaming awake? It was night after all. I just couldn't sleep. Anyway, I was daydreaming/dreaming about her. Trying to work out who she was. She was nothing but a mystery right now. And I loved a mystery.

The alcohol still stirred within me and it allowed my thoughts more freedom, my guards were let down. But for once, nightmares didn't storm my mind. All I saw was her, and it was nice. Peaceful. I clung to her and told her everything. All my pain, all my regrets. Everything I had kept locked up for the last seven years.

The worst thing was Riley. She'd been fourteen when she died. Fourteen, and she'd lost five years of her life in a stupid coma. I clenched my fists, fury raging as it always did when I thought about my sister. I should have protected her. She shouldn't have gone with him. She should have been with me. We should have been together.

If only I hadn't argued with Dad that day. Bickered with him about something as trivial as babysitting her for two hours, then he would never have had to take her with him. She would never have died. I could still remember that day, crystal-clear in my mind.

"Why won't you just watch her for two hours?" He asked with a sigh.

"I haven't got time, I have exams to revise for, you know. I can't just watch her for two hours; I've got a shit-ton of work to do." I shouted at him.

He sighed. "Calm down, Carter. It'll only be for a couple of hours." He wheedled.

"No. I don't have time to watch her and deal with her whingeing." I told him straight. "She'll distract me."

He sighed. "Fine, I'll take her with me."

"Thank-you." I said, after a minute.

That evening was the worst. I remember picking up the phone and listening to the police officer on the other end. I'd slammed the phone down and walked to my room where I didn't leave for a week, I wouldn't talk to anyone for a month. I didn't have nightmares that day. I didn't even sleep. It took three months before I could sleep again. The nightmares started soon afterwards.

In my head, I explained everything to Harper. Telling her all the secrets I should keep quiet. It was as if I needed to tell her, as if I was rehearsing for a very important scene in a play.

She listened to me. Listened as I told her everything, all the things I had done up to that point. All the things I should have done. And everything I had done since that day. I told her about the day of the shooting. The fear I had felt.

The night isn't always so beautiful. I told her.

Why?

Because you never know what's hiding in the dark.

What's hiding in the dark?

Nightmares.

She would just laugh. But she didn't understand how dangerous nightmares could be. How threatening they could actually seem. And she didn't know what it was like for your nightmares to become reality. And I hoped she never found out.

I snapped out of my trace and wiped away the tears that trickled down my cheeks. The memories still haunted me, no matter how hard I tried to pretend they didn't exist. It was hard to forget when it was all you saw in the dark. She was all I saw...everywhere.

That's why I was so careful with my heart now. Mum said I could be cold and reckless, but it was just to defend myself. She said I'd changed. But it was just to protect everyone around me from having similar nightmares to the ones I had. I didn't want anyone to see the devil the way I did when I closed my eyes. He was always there, just behind my closed eyes, watching, waiting, wondering when the best moment would be to strike. The best moment where it would cause the most damage.

That was something I could never tell anyone. But I wanted to prevent it from happening to anyone else, and I pleaded with him to stay with me, if only to stop him from destroying someone else's life. But I looked at all the people with pained expressions, a sad look in their eyes as they went about their day, and wondered if we were all secretly fighting our own devil? But rather than tell anyone, we fight him alone, and maybe it was because no one else could see or understand him the way you did.

I sighed, I'd made mistakes I wasn't proud of, everyone did. But did we really deserve to be haunted by them every day? A reminder of a regret we would rather try and forgive and forget about, but we couldn't because wherever we looked, it was all we could see.

I thought about Harper, she seemed to be hiding so many demons under the tough layers she build around herself. And I wanted to help her with those demons, I wanted to understand them as well as she did, to let her know that she wasn't alone. To let her know that we could fight them together. But how could I be so sure that she needed my help? And how could I be so sure I could really help her?

With a sigh, I picked up my phone, I wanted to call her, but surely she was asleep by now. I put it down again, wondering who she thought of just before she fell asleep.