Nightmares

Chapter fifty-six: Carter

We arrived home and Mum smiled at Harper.

"Poor girl, you look so tired. Come and sit down." We followed her into the living room where she sat on the sofa next to me and curled up against me. I wrapped an arm around her as she fought to stay awake.

"Go to sleep, honey, you need it." I whispered to her.

I watched her as her breathing slowed and evened. Smiling, I looked up at Mum.

"How are you? How is she?" She asked softly, so as not to wake up Sleeping Beauty next to me.

"She's shaken up, but I think she'll be just fine. In the future anyway." I whispered, looking at her with a sad smile.

Mum smiled.

"I'm sorry this happened again." She said.

"It's not your fault. I should have listened to everyone when they said that going out at night wasn't safe. If I hadn't gone outside, none of this would have ever happened." I paused, stroking Harper's hair softly.

"Do you think if Dad and Riley had survived all those years ago that any of this would have happened?" I asked after a minute.

"I don't know. I don't think so, Dad would have woken up when you did and wouldn't have let you go outside in the first place." She replied.

I laughed. "Yeah, he was very protective."

"Have I been a good mother to you, Carter?" She asked.

I frowned. "Of course you have. Why would you even ask that?"

She shrugged. "I just feel like I let you down. I should have made you stay inside. I should have sent you to a better therapist to help you with your nightmares, I should have known something was wrong. I don't know."

"It wasn't your fault, Mum. Nightmares are just a natural, subconscious way of expressing feelings you would otherwise suppress." I said, quoting what she had told me all those years ago, when I got my first nightmare as a kid.

"Besides," I continued. "One day, they'll go away."

"You really think so?"

"No, but I have to have hope, don't I?"

She smiled. "Yeah. Yeah you do."

I sighed, why were the words so hard to say?

"I'm sorry, Mum." I told her quietly.

"For what?"

"For making this so difficult." I said. "All you did for five years was make sure I was okay and that I wasn't in pain. And I kept shutting you out and going off the rails. I blamed you and made you feel guilty for caring about me. And I'm so sorry." I sighed. "I'm sorry I couldn't have been an easier child for you. I'm sorry I wasn't like Riley. She would have known how to make you smile."

She lifted my head to look into my eyes like when I was a kid.

"Hey, you were wonderful in your own sweet way, Carter. Alright? Grief appears in many different ways. You were finding your own way to cope with it and I had to just do everything I could to support you." She said, her eyes boring into my own. "Those nights of acting out and arguing were tough for both of us. But it was your way of coping. Though we need to get you some better coping techniques."

"I'm not going back to therapy." I growled.

"Then we'll find another method that works." She promised.

"Harper's helping me." I said.

"I know she is."

"What would Dad have said about all this?"

"I'm sure you and him would have fallen out a lot." She said. "But he always wanted the best for you. We both did."

I nodded slightly.

"Thank you for everything, Mum."

"You're welcome son." She said.

She left the room and I sat quietly for a minute.

Harper twitched at my side, and I stroked her back, soothing her the only way I knew how. By being there.

"I'm sorry I couldn't have done something sooner, sweetheart." I whispered to her.

I wrapped a blanket around her, and thought about what Jake did to him. What he could have done to him. What he might have done to us, had Jake not stepped in.

It didn't do any good to dwell on it. But I couldn't seem to stop myself.

I'm going crazy.

I heard her whimper.

Maybe I was going crazy but one thing was for sure.

I wasn't letting this happen again.

If I had to fight every day from now until the rest of my life, I wasn't letting this happen to her again. She deserved better. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve me. But I would work every day through the sun and the rain until I was worthy of her love. And damn it, I wasn't letting her go again.

And until then, I would just love her until it didn't hurt anymore and I was finally free from the cage that had locked my heart away for all these years.

What was that thing Mum said to me once? Love knows no logic or boundaries. It doesn't care if you mess up. It doesn't care if it's not right. If it's there, it's there. And there is nothing you can do to stop it.

But with her? Why would I even want to stop it? If I could be worthy of her time I would spend my days gaining her trust and respect if it was the only thing I ever earned my entire life.

Strange, I never used to be this sentimental, but I guess love does strange things to a man. They didn't always make sense, but they were always right.

Weren't they?