Nightmares

Chapter twenty-seven: Carter

Later that night, I lay in bed thinking about my sister. I still thought about her often and it still hurt. Even after all these years. Three years had passed since her passing, and not much had really changed. Apart from Harper.

And him.

If it weren't for them, nothing would have changed. I still felt the same way about her death as I did the day she left. Eaten up with guilt. Mum reckons I'm depressed, but I'm not so sure anymore. I wish I could find something to stop the pain, but I'm not sure that there is anything that will stop this feeling.

I got out of bed, opening up my window and hopping onto the roof. I stared up at the clouds, the sky too bright with lamplights to see stars tonight.

It was warm, despite the breeze, and I wondered if my sister could see me from wherever she was. I missed her. I gazed up at the clouds, wondering if she heard my silent prayers. I wanted to say sorry. For everything. But I couldn't. The most I could do was remember her and wait.

Wait to see if this pain ends.

I needed something to remind me that there were things worth waiting for rather than revenge. I wanted revenge on the person who had shot me. The person who had ran into Dad and Riley. Even the doctors, for not trying hard enough to let my sister live.

I should have protected her.

Why didn't I protect her?

I sighed in regret. I couldn't live this way forever. Always scared of messing up again. Always scared of death. Always scared to live, because that meant leaving my sister behind in the past. Why was I so closed off from everyone? I remembered that boy on the bus, Jack or whatever his name was, he seemed pleasant enough, but because of the way I've messed up in the past, I pushed him away. Like I did with everyone. Because I was too scared of letting anyone close.

And I couldn't see myself ever doing anything like that again.

Speaking of trust, I wondered if Harper trusted me?

I think she did. But I wasn't very good at judging people. I could just be kidding myself that she trusts me. Maybe I just want to believe that someone out there cares about me. Mum cares about me, I know that. But it sometimes feels like I'm nothing but a burden to her.

I looked at the stars. Picking out different constellations and smiling at the memory of teaching Harper the Big Dipper. Remembering the smile on her face as she studied the stars as if she belonged up there with them. Remembering the way her eyes twinkled in the moonlight.

Somewhere during the lonely night, I started talking to Riley as she whispered back to me.

"I miss you sis." I told the night sky. Wondering if she could hear me. "I'm sorry I messed up. I know I should have protected you." I sighed.

"See, sis. I've met a girl. And I really like her. I might even be, I dunno. But I'm just scared of messing up again. What if I do something wrong? What if my monsters come back and take her away from me, like they did with you?" Metaphorical monsters, that is.

"I've screwed up so many times in the past, and I'm just so scared of messing this up too. What if this is my last chance? What if I mess this up, and everything else just falls apart, like it did the last time?" I paused, listening to the wind whistle softly. "Mum says to just have faith, but I'm not sure I have a lot of that. I'm scared. Scared of messing this all up."

I sighed. Falling silent and once again listening to the noises of the city as it started to wake up. Looking at the twinkling stars as they reminded me I was okay. Wondering if my sister was watching me and praying things would be okay, like I did every day. I imagined her smiling as she waited for the next part of my story to unravel. Strange how it seemed she controlled my life despite the fact she had nearly always faded into the background when she was alive.

I guess all angels are invisible.

Me and the moon watched each other, and I swear I could see my sister's face shining down on it. I guess it was just fanciful thinking, but with her smile glowing on me, my life suddenly seemed a little bit brighter.

Maybe the night wasn't always so sad after all?

Sorry about these random chapters. I really don't know where I'm going with this book but patience, young grasshoppers. Anyway, hope everyone is okay.

What did you think of this chapter? Sorry it's not very long.

Anyway, I'm gonna go now. See you soon.
K