Nightmares

Chapter fifteen: Carter

I looked at the drawing I had just finished. Harper's frightened face peered up at me as I held the glinting knife to her throat. I smiled, despite what the picture showed. She was so beautiful, even with fear and anger in those cat-like green eyes. I imagined those eyes closing as our lips grew closer. I still couldn't believe she had accepted my apology so easily. I wondered why she was so accepting. I wondered why I wasn't.

I wanted to find out those secrets she held. I wanted to hold her whilst she whispered them in my ear. What was her secret? I knew she had one. I could tell she was hiding them behind the truth in her eyes. There was nothing but truth in her world, whereas in mine, it felt like there was nothing but lies. Nothing but lies and fear.

I softened the lines on her face, her hair cascading and catching in the moonlight. I captured her as best as I could.

I loved drawing, it was a way to capture my memories and keep them safe. Something I wished I had done in the past so that I had something more than lost memories to keep the memory of Dad and Riley alive. I'd once drawn pictures of the pair of them, loads of them, copied from the pictures we had in the attic, but Mum had told me to throw them all away, she couldn't handle the memories.

I hadn't thrown them out, I'd hidden them, along with the pictures, in a shoebox at the back of my wardrobe. I took them out every now and then to look at them. I wondered if Mum had ever found them and regretted asking me to throw them out. If she even remembered the argument we had had about them three years ago.

I looked at the finished picture, wondering why it seemed there was something missing, why something always seemed missing from my pictures. Maybe it wasn't something missing in the pictures, maybe it was something missing in me? I hadn't felt whole since Riley passed away. I wondered if maybe, I had just been faking a smile all these years? Waiting for something to come along to make me feel whole again? If so, how long would I be waiting before I found that missing piece? The piece I had lost the day she died.

I wanted to go back. To say...so many things to her. But I couldn't. Maybe the only way I could do that, maybe the only way I could move on, was to say them to Harper instead. I could tell Harper how much I'd loved her. And tell Harper all the things I wanted to before death took my sister away.

Harper reminded me so much of my sister. She had the same understanding, the same faith, the same peace of mind, the same confidence in herself and her abilities. Even that day I first saw her, that day when she threw her phone on the ground and cried, she still seemed so controlled, so...confident. Even though she probably hadn't felt it at the time, she had looked nothing but confident as she cried tears of frustration at her life.

I flicked through sketchbook, as if looking for answers between the pictures, answers to the reason behind my nightmares, the reason why they had been taken from me, the reason why I had found a girl who made me want to dream about her and only her for the rest of my life.

And my sister? My life had been like a time-bomb, from the moment she had died, I had just been waiting for everything to go wrong in my life again. Been waiting for something to push me over the edge. I had been so careful with my heart since the day she passed. Not getting involved with anyone, lest it led to heartbreak like it had done with my sister, I hadn't allowed anyone close to me, then I couldn't get hurt again.

But with Harper? I wanted to know everything. Everything that would scratch and burn and bleed. Everything that could heal my broken heart with a whisper. I wanted to find out those secrets that she tried so hard to hide from me. She was probably my last chance at happiness. And I wanted it. No, I needed it.

I sighed and looked out of my window at the stars, wondering if Riley could see them too, from wherever she is.

I'm so sorry, Riley. I whispered silently, tears dripping down my cheeks. I'm so, so sorry. I let you down. Why did I let you down?

Why had I let her down?

It was because I had been a kid. I'd been a kid who'd made a stupid mistake. I missed her, missed her more than anything, and I wondered why I didn't miss Dad in the same way.

Maybe it was because I had never been close to Dad. We had never really gotten on well. I'd distanced myself from him when I was a kid because of our differences, had never really tried to understand him the way I could with my mum. But now? Now, I didn't know anybody in my family, and it was too late to find it out now.

I wanted to apologise to everyone. To say sorry for the kid I had been. The one who ruined everything. But there was only Mum who would hear me. And I wasn't sure she would accept it. Not after all these years. I should have said something a long time ago. A long, long time ago. If I'd said something then, maybe I wouldn't have nightmares now.

I wondered when I would stop having nightmares.

Wondered when I could move on, when my sister would stop being the ghost in the back of my room, keeping me up, wondered when I would stop being scared of sleep. I wanted to feel something other than this aching loneliness inside. Wanted to feel something other than this loss. This heartache. I needed someone to hold me and keep me afloat. Because right now? Right now, it felt like I was drowning in the darkness. Drowning in the memories as they threatened to drag me under. And if someone didn't throw me a life ring soon, I would be lost for good. But would anyone really miss me?

I thought about Harper's sharp, caring green eyes, and answered my own question.