Nightmares

Chapter thirty-eight: Harper

I tried to call him, but he wasn't picking up. I was worried, I hoped he hadn't gotten into trouble. I needed him. I needed him to tell me that he was okay. After having heard some of his story, I was more than a little worried about him doing something stupid and ending up in the hospital. Or worse.

Pick up. I thought to myself, as I pressed on his name again. Nothing.

Don't panic, Harp. I told myself. He's probably working, or maybe he's catching up on sleep.

That didn't stop me from calling.

Was I obsessed? Was I being paranoid? Or was I being reasonable? What if he went outside yesterday? What if he had gotten mixed up in something stupid? What if he was lying in a ditch somewhere? My imagination was going crazy. I needed him to tell me he was okay.

Why did I care so much? Why did I care if he wasn't answering? Why did I care if he ignored me? Because you love him...no, I didn't. I couldn't love him. I didn't know how to love someone. I thought I was too broken. I thought...I used to think a lot of things. I just needed to know he was okay. So he needed to answer his damn phone.

The phone rang and I answered in a panic.

"Harper?" He asked, in a gruff voice. Damn, maybe he really was asleep. My ringing didn't disturb him, did it?

"Why the hell haven't you been answering?" I screamed at him.

"Sorry baby. I was distracted." He said, sarcasm ringing in his voice. "What do you want?"

Crap. What did I want? I had been in such a panic mode for so long I couldn't remember why I had called him in the first place. Think Harper, think.

"Are you okay, after Saturday?" I asked him. A weak start, but I was improvising.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Are you okay?" He repeated my question back to me.

"A little worried." I admitted.

"About what?"

"About you, stupid. Why haven't you been answering your phone?" I almost squealed at him.

"Sorry, I've been really busy. And trying to catch up on sleep." He told me.

"Oh. Okay." I felt like a bit of an idiot. Why was I so worried? If he wanted to call me, then he would have called me before now. Now I'd just made myself seem like a crazy, obsessive person. Way to go, Harper. What was wrong with me?

A sigh came down the line. "Look, why don't we...I mean, do you want to meet for a drink or something, we could talk properly there?" He asked. "Same café as last time?"

"Okay. When?" I asked.

"Whenever you like." He said, carelessly.

I thought about it for a minute, I didn't want to appear too eager by saying 'right now' like a kid. But at the same time, I didn't want to look stupid after ringing him obsessively for the last couple of days by saying 'whenever is convenient.'

"Half an hour?" I asked him.

"You sure you can wait that long?" I could hear the smirk in his voice.

"I think I'll manage." I replied.

After the longest thirty minutes of my life, I walked to the café and headed over to Carter, who was sat in the corner of the café with a drink in hand, looking like he didn't have a care in the world. Was it an act, or did he really not have a care in the world at that moment?

"Hey."

"Hey." He said back. Looking up at me with a smirk. "So you ring obsessively for two days and then you have the audacity to be late?"

"Shut up." I told him, which earned another smirk.

I took a seat and we studied each other without exchanging another word. He was so complicated, sometimes it seemed like he was really nice and caring and sweet. And other times, well, other times he was like this. Looking at him, I saw a glimpse of the boy who had held a knife to my throat.

Were his mood swings all an act to seem tough? Or was his soft personality a trick to lure me in?

I wanted to take his hand, to soften him. But I guess I was too nervous, so I just looked down.

"So what did you want?" His voice rang in my ears.

"I wanted to make sure that you were okay." I told him in a soft tone that tried to hide how nervous and hurt I was by his attitude.

"Well, I am." He said, lifting my head so I was looking into his eyes. They sparkled and he gave me a smile. The first one since he had walked in. I smiled back before dropping my gaze back to my lap.

"Hey, can you promise me something?" He asked, making me look up at him. His playful gaze had turned serious and his eyes were filled with something.

"What?" I asked.

"Promise you'll never leave me." He said.

I just studied him for a minute.

"I know I can be a jerk and I mess up sometimes, I know I'm not good with people, but I want to try and be better, for you. I want to be there for you when things get difficult. And I want you of all people to see the real me, even when I act like an idiot to try and cover up my pain." He spoke quickly. As if scared that if he hesitated for even a moment I would turn my back and leave him.

I sighed. "You don't have to put an act on for me, Carter. I can handle your emotions. I'll...I'll be there regardless." I said, holding back what I really wanted to say.

He gave me a long look and I wondered what he was thinking. Wondered if he heard my unspoken sentence. Eventually, he just sighed and shook his head.

"Are you really sure you can handle them?" He asked me. "They get quite messy."

I smiled. "I'm sure I can try to." I assured him. "And trust me, I know all about messy emotions."

He laughed. Though a part of him was still disbelieving–I could feel it–he wanted to believe me. And I would make sure that he was right for doing so, no matter how hard that seemed. But a part of me wondered what I was letting myself in for.

He came around the table and pulled me into a hug; and I held him back, almost as if I was afraid to let go. He mumbled something incoherent into my shoulder and I wondered what he said. I didn't ask though. Why didn't I ask? Maybe I was afraid of the answer.

Breaking apart, we shared a smile and I wondered again, what he was hiding. Wondering what he hid underneath the surface, I watched his smile twitch, and wondered what he really wanted to do now. Did he want to laugh, or cry?

Why did he want to cry?

What had he seen?

What had he been through?

And would he ever let me in enough to comfort him when he needed it?

Would I be strong enough to stay and save him when he needed me too?

I hoped so. I really hoped so. Because I needed him just as much as he needed me. I couldn't let us down.