Nightmares

Chapter thirty-three: Harper

I needed to call Danny. I couldn't have him believing a lie. I had to tell him I didn't love him back. I could give him false hope. Carter was right about that at least. What was the worst that could happen? He could end up with someone who really loves him, but first I had to let him know.

"Hey." I said as he picked up the phone.

"Hey." He replied. "Can we talk?"

I smiled. "That's what I was going to say. Meet in the café at twelve?"

"Okay."

Hanging up, I sighed. I hoped he'd understand. He had to understand. I couldn't love him back the way he wanted me to, and I wasn't sure I ever could.

So why was this so hard to do? All I was doing was telling him the truth.

At twelve on the dot, I was waiting at the café for him to turn up. I sighed, wondering how I was going to tell him I couldn't love him.

I wanted to. A part of me knew that, and maybe in the past, I had loved him that way. But we were both young and naïve. Too young to really know what love felt like. Now? He was my best friend, nothing more, nothing less. I just wished I didn't have to tell him that.

I saw him enter the café, and I had never been aware of this before, but he looked amazing. His hair was gelled, and he wore a loose, light blue top which were rolled up at the elbows, he caught my eye and smiled a winning smile. The same one he'd given me for years, so why did it make me feel...jittery inside?

He took a seat and watched me as I smiled back at him, wondering what to say. Trying not to show my intentions on my face. I was scared of telling him, but also knew there wasn't any other option...was there? Maybe I could love him if I tried...no, it was impossible. I couldn't...could I?

Danny's voice cut through my scattered thoughts, bringing me back to earth.

"Hey."

"Hey." I said as he studied me, probably wondering why I had called him out of the blue and why I wouldn't say a word. The truth was, I was just nervous. Which was strange, because it was just Danny. Just the boy I had loved and known for years. So why did I feel like butterflies were fluttering in my stomach? I was probably just nervous.

He looked nervous too, his fingers drummed the table absently. With a smile, I placed a hand over his to stop him from beating the table. He smiled at me apologetically and I squeezed his hand before letting go. I sighed, I didn't know if I could do this, God, I wished there was an easier way. But breaking someone's heart was never easy.

Unless you were him.

I sighed again and ran a hand through my hair trying to figure out the best way to say this. Maybe I should have come up with a speech before now, so it wasn't so awkward waiting whilst I found the right words to say. But I thought writing a speech was too cliché. But, jeez, this whole thing was a cliché. I thought I knew what I wanted to say, but with him in front of me, the words I'd planned in my head seemed meaningless and trivial. They didn't seem sufficient enough for the amount of heartbreak I was going to cause him.

"You wanted to say something?" Danny prompted.

I nodded dumbly. I guess there was no other way to say this than just diving in, so here goes.

"Look, Danny, I love you." I said with a sigh. "I'm just not sure I could love you the same way you love me."

He studied me intently, not saying a word, which I was thankful for.

"And I don't want to lead you on or give you false hope for something I'm not sure I'll ever be able to make myself feel." I explained.

"Is it because of him?" He asked.

"Who?"

"Carter."

"I...don't know. I don't think so. Danny, it's not that I don't think I can love you, it's that I don't think I can love anyone." I told him softly.

He nodded slightly. "Sure, I understand. But you let yourself feel for him."

I sighed. "It's not as simple as that. I like him as a friend, the same way I do with you. I'm just not sure I could love him or you, or anyone else for that matter, in that way." I sighed again.

"But you won't even try." He said. "Is it because of...of him?"

"Well, yeah. You know what happened last time I got too close to someone." I sighed.

"I won't leave you like he did. He was...well he was...messed up. I would never do anything to hurt you, you know that right?"

"Of course, Dan, you're my best friend. I know you wouldn't hurt me." I said.

"So why?"

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. He wasn't getting it. I didn't want to love him. Harsh as it seems, I didn't want to love him as anything more than my best friend.

Didn't want to love anyone that way.

Sadly, you couldn't control the heart. My mind turned towards Carter, again. Much as I loved Danny, I don't think I could ever love him as anything more than my best friend. Even if he saw me as someone else, I couldn't love him that way. Not even if I tried.

You couldn't force your heart to feel differently about someone. And I didn't want to ruin our friendship like that.

He meant too much for me to lose him that way.

"I'm sorry, Danny." I told him softly.

He sighed. Knowing it was hopeless. "Maybe one day you could learn to love me." He said eventually.

I smiled softly, wanting to give him something, even if it meant him clutching at straws.

"Maybe one day I could." I agreed. "I just can't see that day happening anytime soon." I told him honestly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spring this on you." He said. "You're my best friend, and I don't want anything to ruin that."

I smiled. "Me neither. You are the one person who keeps me steady when everything falls apart."

Danny held out his arms and I snuggled next to him. We stayed like that for a while, trying to block out the feelings we felt and regain some kind of steady ground in our friendship, which had been knocked off kilter by Danny's revelation. At least, I did. Danny's face was unreadable; and I couldn't tell what he was thinking. I could only hope that he wouldn't try anymore. Because I wasn't sure I could deal with any more broken hearts in my life. Not mine, and not anyone else's.

I couldn't deal with any more pain.

I know, this chapter seems cliche. Deal with it. Is it important later on? I dunno. Maybe. Do you wanna bet me they end up together? I dunno. Your choice. I'm just the author don't hurt me.

See you next week.

K