Nightmares

Chapter twenty-four: Harper

So that didn't go quite as expected, Harper. Big deal. First 'dates' usually don't. It doesn't mean it won't work out. Anyway, it wasn't a real date. It wasn't. It WASN'T. So why did I feel so down?

Shrugging off my conflicted, confusing emotions, I went to where Mum and Carlos were sitting on the sofa, Mum was reading a magazine whilst Carlos played with his trucks. As if he sensed me approach him, he squealed with glee and barricaded into me.

"Harper!" He squealed, gripping me tight.

I smiled. "Hello little man." I said, picking him up as he giggled.

Mum looked up and smiled.

"How was it, Harp?" She asked.

"It was good." I replied. "We had a lovely conversation."

She nodded in understanding and went back to her magazine, knowing not to push me for details.

I went up to my room where I threw myself backwards onto my bed, pulling out my phone, I saw a message from Carter.

Hey, I had a great time today. Want to talk later?

I smiled as I thought about what defined 'later'.

Evening or night? I asked.

Depends on if you're awake. He put a wink emoji and I smiled. He was a strange person. So mysterious.

I wanted to find out his secret. He might not want me to know it yet. But I would get him to reveal all. Somehow. I just had to be patient.

Don't dive in too deep, Harper. I told myself. You can't allow yourself to fall for him.

I couldn't. Remember him?

I did remember him. He was the reason I didn't trust anybody but Danny. And even Danny didn't know why. He was the reason I didn't trust men. The reason I was scared to get close to people. To actually live.

Why couldn't I forget him?

~*~

He smiled at me and took my hand. Squeezing it tight and pulling me in.

"I love you." He whispered, for my ears only.

"I love you too." I whispered back.

Pulling me close, he kissed me slowly. And I kissed him back, sure he was the one. I was only fifteen. I was young, I was naïve, but I thought he loved me too.

I was wrong. He played with my emotions, toyed with my heart. At the end, he ripped it right out and stomped all over it.

But I looked into his eyes. His soft golden eyes that saw right into my soul, and it was like it was the first day all over again. He stroked my hair. Told me he was sorry. Told me he loved me.

"I'll never do it again, sugar. I promise." He whispered.

And like a fool, I fell for it. Again and again.

~*~

I wished someone could show me that love didn't have to hurt the way he made it hurt. He stabbed me in the back, and I went back to him, believing him when he said he'd changed. He never changed.

Carter isn't like that. I told myself. He cares.

But how did I know that? Sure it seems like that now. But it seemed that he cared the first time. It seemed he was sorry the first time. And he wasn't. It was all a lie.

Carter won't hurt you.

You don't know that. A voice in my head told me, softly. Just be careful. You don't know what he's capable of. Don't dive in, and you'll be fine. I just had to take my mind off him.

Throwing myself backwards on the sofa, I decided to watch an episode of Friends. Because Friends never lets you down. Midway through the fourth or fifth episode, Danny's ringtone sounded, and I answered with a smile.

"Hey Dan." I said. "What's up?"

"What did you do today?"

"What do you mean?" I asked with a frown.

"I saw you with him." He said in an irritated tone. I imagined him crossing his arms like he did when he was annoyed.

"So?" I said, crossing my own arms. What was it to him?

"You know I don't like him, Harper." He told me. "I don't trust him."

"Well I do. And you're not my father. You have no reason to distrust him. The...the incident is no reason any more. I've told you; he isn't like that." My voice dropped; I didn't want my parents to get worried.

"Aren't you even worried it could all be an act?" He asked. "Why don't you love someone who will love you back?"

"And why won't he love me back?"

He sighed in frustration. "I never said he wouldn't. But why won't you love someone who would definitely love you back?"

"Like whom?" I snapped at him.

He sighed. "I don't know, Harper. There's lots of guys who could love you if you just gave them a chance." He hung up and I looked at my phone.

He loved me. That much was obvious. But I couldn't love him back the same way. He was my best friend. And I didn't want feelings to ruin what we had between us, because what if it didn't work out? Our friendship could be ruined too. It was easier to let him down gently.

Clicking on my kindle app, I decided to continue reading Wonder, Carter kept messaging me to see if I had finished it, and I kept telling him no. Apparently I was a very slow reader. But I wasn't expecting it to be such a sad book, I can't read sad books in one sitting, I get too upset. He should have warned me.

Concentrating on the book was hard though, I was wondering what Carter was doing all the time. And wondering what it was about Carter that Danny couldn't stand. I wondered what Danny was really thinking. He just seems so stand-offish at the moment. So distant. Why couldn't he be happy for me?

I pulled out my phone to demand an answer.

What do you have against him? I asked.

The typing icon came up almost immediately, but nothing came in. I waited whilst he tried to think of an appropriate answer. I sighed impatiently, my temper bubbling. If he couldn't even come up with one decent reason why Carter and I shouldn't be friends, then he wasn't worth it.

I don't trust him. He seems the sort of person who uses the darkness as a way to hide. He replied after a few minutes.

We all have our secrets. I replied immediately.

And if he didn't want to share them, that was his business. I wasn't going to pry. I had secrets of my own. We both had our scars, our regrets, maybe together, we could work out how to fix them. Maybe together, we could achieve what we didn't think was possible?

And if we couldn't, the least we could do was try.