An hour later
Before I could stop myself, I knocked quickly on Chris' door.
Dani and Damian were sleeping in their pushchair, but I didn't care. I guess I was using them for an excuse to see Chris, I just didn't want him knowing I still loved him.
A few minutes later, he opened the door and my heart felt like it'd been torn out and stabbed. He was so fucking skinny, his hair hung greasy around his shoulders and it was obvious he was drunk.
Oh my poor Chris...
This is all my fault, and now I have to fix it somehow.
His eyes widened slightly when he saw me and he stumbled back and opened the door wider, not saying anything. "Thanks." I muttered, taking the kids inside.
They were still asleep by the time Chris managed to recover. "R-Ricky...I-I'm so sorry...so fucking sorry I am I'm sorry." He said frantically, tears rolling down his face with his hands flailing about randomly.
"Chris, can we not talk about this please?" I sighed, turning away so he couldn't see my face, and know how much he was killing me inside. He let out a soft sigh but apart from that, he'd turned into a statue.
A few moments later I heard a thud and turned around in shock. Chris was on the floor, his mouth open wide, snoring loudly. I sighed and shook my head, but froze when he started mumbling something.
"Ricky...no..don't go.." I swallowed and sat down heavily on the couch, looking around with half horrified eyes. I didn't think I'd hurt him so badly, or that it'd last this long. Dani started letting out soft sobs before screaming.
To my surprise, Chris bolted up and shook his head a few times before walking over and picking her up. The moment he cuddled her against his chest, she stopped crying and stared at him with wide eyes. "Dada!"
"Hey baby girl..." he sniffed, wiping his eyes with his free hand.
I watched them, feeling prouder then I probably should've before I walked over to them, smiling down at my daughter. "She adores you, you know?"
"She shouldn't..." he muttered, keeping his eyes on her.
"Put her down for a moment, we're talking about this right now." He did as I said and I took a deep breath to steady myself.
"You hurt me, you didn't tell me something as life changing as having a kid. You betrayed my trust Chris, you know that right?"
"Fuck I do...I know I did, okay? And I know I don't deserve anything, so please don't forgive me."
I frowned at the broken tone of voice he'd used, and shrugged it off. "I wasn't going to actually. I'll bring the kids up every week so you can have them on the weekend. I'm also quitting the band, so you'll need to find a new rhythm guitarist."
"Okay..." he whispered before gagging and covering his mouth with his hand. "Chris?" I muttered worriedly. He shook his head and bolted, rushing upstairs before I heard him throwing up in the bathroom.
A few minutes later, I walked upstairs and to my surprise, he was singing softly to himself.
"I wrestle with these thoughts,
I shook the hand of doubt,
Running from my past I'm praying
Feet don't fail me now...
I lost my goddamn mind
It happens all the time,
I can't believe I'm actually meant to be here,
Trying to consume,
The drug in me is you,
And I'm so high on misery...
Can't you see?"
I fought back more tears at the sound of him singing as softly as he could, knowing I was the reason why he was singing the way he was.
And fuck, it hurt. A lot. Especially when he started singing the part about there being no point to life. The toilet flushed when he finished singing the song and I bolted downstairs.
He didn't need to know how I felt, I didn't want him to know, he'd hurt me too much. But maybe I was overreacting, maybe. Chris walked down a few seconds later with half closed eyes.
"I've lost myself.
You tried to reach me,
But you just can't help me.
So long, goodbye." Chris muttered softly underneath his breath before walking into the kitchen.
I heard bottles clinging together before he walked back in, holding an open bottle of beer in his hand. "Chris no."
"You don't get to tell me no anymore." He said darkly, drinking the entire bottle before sliding down the wall.
He sat in the corner, his knees bent and legs slightly parted with the empty bottle hanging limply between his legs. He had his head against the wall and no expression on his face.
"I'll...be back next week." I said softly before I left with Dani and Damian. I walked back home with the images I'd just seen burnt into my head and thoughts.
I put them to bed as soon as I got back in and walked downstairs. When I was certain they were asleep, I fell onto the floor and cried, trying to get rid of this hole in my chest.
But I couldn't, and the only way to solve it was completely out of the question.
