eighteenth: unsaid

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Sometimes, the comments touch my soul. I appreciate each and every one of you who read this far. Thank you for giving Xavier's story a chance. This chapter is dedicated to one such person who's words have meant more to me than I could possibly express. .



My heart was full.

For the first time since I had lost my pathetic excuse of a home.

He was my home now.

I gazed at our intertwined fingers, almost expecting his to slip out. But he remained still. Holding me as tightly as I wanted him to. He breathed quietly into my ear, the mellow sound making my heart flutter.

I turned to face him, kissing his jaw as he gazed at me, his eyes glittering gently. My chest seemed to burst. How was it possible to love someone with an intensity so consuming that he was suddenly my entire being?

"Xavier," he began as I snuggled into him. "Maybe, after all this is over-"

I sucked in a breath, my stomach clenching nervously.

He fell silent at once, as if rethinking his words.

"Yeah?" I prompted, leaning back to look at him. He shook his head and disentangled himself from me. My heart screamed at the separation. I almost reached for him. I almost pulled him back.

My heart raced as he started picking his scattered clothes. After he was done dressing in silence, he turned to me and spoke softly, "I have to go."

Don't go.

I took a shuddering breath and nodded. I rose to my feet. I didn't want to push him any further.

I was feeling much more confident in my naked body around him. Like his touch had washed away everyone else's. I placed my hand on his face and lifted my lips towards his, kissing him. I kissed him eagerly. Trying to tell him what I wanted him to know through my actions. The kiss lasted for mere seconds before he held my hand firmly and gently pushed it away from his face. I gazed at him, cold dread suddenly filling my chest.

"I...have to go," he repeated, his voice hard.

I stared at him, my heart wrenching. I couldn't understand why he was suddenly rejecting me. There was only one rational reason and I was praying I was mistaken.

"Do you regret it?"

His eyes flashed. He tore his gaze away from me without another word. My blood ran cold. "Gray?" I followed him to the exit. "Gray, you...regret it?"

The thought felt like a white-hot knife plunged into my chest. Anguish unlike I thought I was capable of feeling ravaged me. Burying me under an avalanche of distress. 

He sighed deeply and turned around to face me. "Xavier...I...this isn't right. We work together. This kind of thing isn't good for either of us."

Liar

"And...that is the only reason?" I scoffed. "HR?"

He was quiet for a while, biting his lip nervously before he spoke, ''I'm just saying that...this kind of thing is going to weaken us both. It's going to impact-"

"Can you for once-" I spoke, my voice trembling with suppressed rage, "not whine about your fucking work?" 

His face was impassive when he replied. "You know what is at stake here, Xavier. You know how critical-"

I sighed, my chest felt tight, "Yeah. Alright. Then just fucking say yes. Just say that you regret it."

And for a few dreaded seconds, I was sure he would. 

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