Frank Iero and the Meaning of Life

Chapter Thirteen - Sex, Drugs, and Ripping Holes in Space-Time

Things got pretty awkward and silent after Poison scolded me; for the first time in my life, I couldn't think of anything snappy to say back. I just saw myself out and admitted defeat just as the CEO woke up from her fainting spell.

"What happened?" she muttered. "Did the mutant Chinese citizen go away? Was I dreaming?"

            I stepped out of the office and sat outside behind the garage; I stared out at the tangled, blue jungle and listened to the faint sounds of Zork whittling away at the car. Then, I saw the Girl and Bandit chase each other around the corner; they looked like they were having a real good time.

Much to my surprise, Jet followed me out and sat down next to me.

"You alright, man?" he asked. His voice was strangely comforting.

"Not really," I muttered. "I hate to admit this...but Poison's sort of right about me. Actually, he's entirely right about me. I totally fucked everything up. Almost all of this shit is my fault. I was a selfish little punk bastard that thought it would be a good idea to break the rules just so I could get out of a shitty fic. And now, I destroyed an entire world. Probably killed a lot of people in the process, too. Jesus...I'm a real stupid motherfucker sometimes. Maybe the shaggy lady was wrong...I ain't special, and I sure as hell ain't fit to lead a revolution."

            "It takes a lot of guts to admit that you've fucked up," he said. "But, to be honest, we all fuck up sometimes. Were you selfish and a total idiot? Well, yeah. But you don't have to be that way anymore. You can fix yourself up and be a better person. And, honestly? Despite everything else, you've been a seriously brave guy. I mean, you taunted the CEO, took down a scarecrow all by yourself...and, to be fair, you're a much better shot than I am."

I tucked in my legs and hugged them tightly. "At least you have an excuse," I said. "It's probably real hard to aim with only one eye."

            "That's not the point," he said. "The point is that you're a good guy. I know that you might not think that you are, but I seriously think that you've got a heart of gold underneath all those tattoos. And you know what else? The Phoenix Witch might actually be right about you."

"For real?" I asked.

He nodded.

"No way," I said. "I'm no frontman."

"I dunno," he said. "I'd join your revolution. After all, it's not like I've got much left to lose at this point."

            God, I'm such a pathetic little wimp. For the first time in eons, I seriously felt like I wanted to cry. However, I sucked it up and held it all in.

"I think I need a hug," I said.

Both of us stood up and gave each other a good old-fashioned no homo hug.

"I keep forgetting how tall you are," I said.

Jet chuckled and patted me on the back. "It's not my fault," he said. "C'mon. Let's go back and join the others. Poison may have a tendency to explode, but he cools down pretty quickly. Besides, it's probably better if you guys just talk it out."

I really didn't want to go back in there, but I didn't really have a choice.

Jet opened up the door to the office, and we both walked in on Alien Gerard giving a whiteboard presentation on something strange while the CEO sat in silence and sipped on a cup of coffee.

"What the heck is going on in here?" I said.

Poison looked up at me, but his eyes were softer and looked more regretful than angry. I decided that it was safe to sit next to him, so I did.