Frank Iero and the Meaning of Life

Chapter Thirty-Two - A Space Odyssey

The whole world just isn't enough.

One week into world domination, and I'm already bored off my ass. Go figure. But, seriously—once you have no challenges or goals left, what in the hell are you living for? Sure, there were the kids to take care of...but having everything you wanted and more leaves you feeling kind of empty.

I need to go bigger.

One evening, as I stared out at the gothic skyline with a stress ball in my hand, Sandwich Gerard came into my office with Jack by his side. Both of them looked incredibly happy to be there, which was nice to see.

"Hi, Frank!" said Sandwich Gerard. "We decided to buy you a little gift to commemorate your recent world domination!"

He handed me a little box with a bow on top, and I opened it. In it was a little wind-up desk toy that had an arrow attached to a sting; on the bottom was a plaque that read "yes" and "no" on each side.

"Thanks," I said. "I appreciate it."

"It's supposed to answer questions," said Jack. "Kind of like a magic 8-ball. You ask it a question, wind up the string, and let it go. Once the arrow lands on 'yes' or 'no', you get your answer."

"I honestly wish I had a psychic medium to answer my questions right now," I mumbled.

"Frank..." said Sandwich Gerard. "You look down. What's the matter?"

"I don't know," I said. "I feel like I should be happy right now. I conquered all my enemies. I'm the richest man in the world. I have the entire earth in my palm. I can even vandalize the Great Pyramids if I feel like it. But I just feel empty inside..."

"Well," said Jack, "have you tried relieving stress in a healthy way?"

"I have a stress ball," I said, squeezing it.

"Maybe you should try to be more active," said Jack. "Take a more hands-on approach. Like this!"

Suddenly, he took out a hammer.

"Uh," I said, "what are you gonna do with that hammer, Jack?"

He then threw the hammer at a wall as if throwing an axe.

"Jack knows how to throw weapons," said Sandwich Gerard. "He's so dreamy. And protective!"

"I dunno," I said. "I feel like I need another challenge."

"Well, I don't want to barge in on your political goals," said Sandwich Gerard, "but maybe you could try making more technological breakthroughs to improve the human race!"

"Like what?"

"Hmm," he said. "Well, you could try curing cancer."

"Too wholesome."

"Build robots?"

"Not feeling it."

"Emotionally intelligent androids?" he said. "Like in that one movie about the grumpy cop and the flying cars and the android people...I think they were called...Republicans?"

"Nah," I said. "They might start an uprising."

"How about space travel?" he said.

"I dunno."

Then, I had an ah-ha moment.

"Wait a minute!" I said. "How about space travel?"

"Yeah," said Sandwich Gerard. "I just said that. Right now."

"If the earth isn't enough," I said, "then there's plenty of space...in space! Hang on just a minute. Get Elon Musk on the phone!"

"Elon Musk is dead. You killed him."