Frank Iero and the Meaning of Life

Chapter Sixteen - Attack of the Drones

Poison and I eventually made our way back to the cabin and saw that Vampire Gerard looked absolutely exhausted. Meanwhile, the two Rays were discussing something nerdy over a cup of coffee.

"This is why scientists must first engineer a way to produce artificial gravity before we travel into space," said Jet. "Without it, humans would suffer from an astronomical amount of medical problems and deformities. That, and there would be no safe way to reproduce."

The other Ray took a sip of coffee. "I concur," he said, "but I believe that the biggest problem with lightspeed travel is the ill effects of time dilation. You see, if we send people into space at incredibly high speeds, what would be a year for them could be a decade for us. It would be incredibly difficult and complicated to sync up earth watches with their watches."

"Alright, alright," I said, "I'm sure whatever the hell you nerds are talking about is extremely important, but don't you guys have a car to fix? We should probably get going as soon as possible."

The two Rays put down their cups and nodded at each other in unison. "I apologize," said the other Ray, "we will begin work right away. But, do forgive me...I am not well-educated in the realm of quantum mechanics quite yet."

"Don't worry," said Jet, "it's really super simple."

I glanced over at Vampire Gerard and Vampire Frank as they held the world's most emo staring contest with each other.

"So," I said, "are you two lovebirds gonna do anything productive, are you guys just gonna sit around and think about death for three hours?"

Vampire Gerard yawned loudly, and his disgusting, sharp teeth glinted in what little light filled the room.

"We were thinking about going to sleep, actually," he said.

Oh, awesome. Because that's totally one-hundred percent productive and helpful.

"Sleep?" mumbled Vampire Frank. "I'm starving, man. It's been three days now...I'm too hungry to sleep."

"Don't worry, babe," he said, "I'll order a pizza man for us tonight the second we wake up."

I wanted to throw up when he uttered the word "babe", and I felt sick upon hearing it.

"But we've already eaten two pizza dudes in the last two months," said Vampire Frank. "Don't you think that Domino's is going to get suspicious after two of their dudes go missing at the same house?"

"Oh, that's not a big deal," said Gerard. "We won't order from Domino's this time. We'll order from Pizza Hut instead."

The two of them then got up and headed toward the back of the cabin. "Don't wake us up unless it's an absolute emergency," said Vampire Gerard. "Oh, and for the love of all things unholy...please fucking knock before entering. Thank you, and have a nice day!"

He then slammed the door behind them without saying another word. I awkwardly glanced over at the other Mikey and tapped my fingers against the table.

"Please don't tell me that they have loud sex," I mumbled.

The other Mikey shook his head and then walked over to the fridge. "Nah," he said quietly. "At least, not when guests are over."

Well, that's good to know.

The other Mikey grabbed an entire raw steak and then bit into it like a mangy dog. He didn't even bother to use a fork, knife, plate, or anything; he just tore into it with his teeth and ripped it to shreds in a matter of seconds.

"Hey, Mikey," I said, "uh, you alright there, buddy? You're...you're probably gonna get salmonella from that. You might wanna consider cooking."

Before I could even finish, however, the other Mikey swallowed the last bit of steak and wiped the juices off his face with his shirt sleeve. "It's okay," he said. Me n' Ray are werewolves. Our stomachs can handle anything. Besides...I'm probably just doomed to be killed off anyway, so I might as well enjoy the little things."