Frank Iero and the Meaning of Life

Chapter Twenty-Six - Poison

The most awesome part about being a leader is quite possibly the snazzy uniform.

When I entered the mock battlefield with Poison by my side, everyone immediately turned to my attention and stood up straight. All of them saluted me at the same time as I passed by, and the power felt admittedly kind of epic. I adjusted my hat, stared everyone down, and tried to look as intimidating as possible.

"At ease," I commanded. And they actually did it!

I made it to the dreaded wall course and saw that same stupid skeleton Sargent swearing up a storm at the poor recruits trying to run the thing. I felt a little sorry for them, so I walked right up to that uptight motherfucker and looked him in the eye sockets.

"Sir Frank Anthony Thomas Iero!" he saluted.

"Uh, you can just call me Frank," I said.

"Yes, sir! Frank, sir!"

"You, uh, are temporarily dismissed from this post. Go ahead and take five."

"Sir, yes sir!"

I watched him leave the battlefield with a smug grin on my face; I then approached the course and watched all of the recruits come to a stop. They looked up at me in slight fear and awaited some form of direction.

"Alright," I said. "Break time's over. MOVE!"

They immediately scrambled back onto the course, and it felt satisfying to see everyone bend to my will. Something about it felt nice; for once in my life, I had control over something. No more author bullshit, no more Wattpad bullshit. This is my world, and I get to make all the rules.

Despite this, something about it felt slightly off.

I watched all of the recruits successfully make it over the dreaded wall, and they all made a mad dash for the fox holes. I prepared to set off an explosion; but, much to my surprise, each and every one of the recruits made it into a hole before it went off. Even so, I stormed over to all of them and tried to compliment them as aggressively as possible.

"Now that's more like it!" I shouted. "Don't give me any more of that pussy shit from earlier! That last round you guys just did? I want every single one of your rounds to be just like that! Now, move out to the range. Some of you still have the worst fucking aim I've ever seen in my life. I'm surprised that some of you motherfuckers can even hit the urinal without pissing all over the ceiling."

All of them left the field and ran off to the range.

"You're being pretty harsh," said Poison.

"I'm supposed to be harsh," I said. "And that's pretty rich coming from you."

"Heh. I guess I can be kinda intense myself sometimes."

"If anyone should be out there yelling at them, it should be you."

"Nah. Not really interested."

"Well," I said, "if you're going to be my second-in-command, I think you ought to learn how to at least scream at a bunch of newbies."

"Wait," he said, "me? Second-in-command?"

"Shit," I said, "why not? You've been the only person loyal enough to stay by my side this whole time. Besides, I think you'd look great in a uniform like this."

"Well," he said, "I really do like dressing in uniform."

We took a walk over to the shooting range and observed the recruits trying to land hits on the robots. Surprisingly, almost all of them were doing a damn good job. I felt a brief moment of happiness; but, suddenly, my stomach began to sink.