Frank Iero and the Meaning of Life

Chapter Twenty-Five - Born to Kill

"C'MON, LADIES! GET OFF YOUR ASSES AND MOVE!"

Even though my entire body felt exhausted, I pushed myself to keep running. I glanced to my side and saw a strange array of people from all kinds of fics by my side, all of whom seemed to weirdly fear my presence. I didn't have time to make small talk, though; I scrambled my way to the front of the pack and dashed over to the dreaded wall. I grabbed hold of the rope that dangled from it, climbed all the way to the top, and leapt over to the other side without breaking any of my bones.

Did I forget to mention that I also carried a big-ass laser rifle on my back? Good times.

After the wall came the hurdles; I forced my exhausted legs to leap as high as possible so that I wouldn't embarrass myself like last time. Luckily, I didn't trip over any of them and managed to jump over every one without killing myself. Then, came the fun part.

The rest of the recruits trailed beside me and got ready to dive into the mock fox holes ahead; I kept my eyes focused on one particular place and picked up my pace until I reached my limit. The second the skeleton Sargent screamed at us, I dove into one of the mock fox holes and braced for a simulated explosion. Sure enough, a bomb went off and shook the ground as I lay curled up in the cramped, dirty hole in the ground. Sweat cascaded down my face and body as my hands trembled in pure fear.

"Andy, for fuck's sake!" screamed the skeleton Sargent. "All of you that didn't make it to a fox hole? Guess what! You're all fucking dead!"

I took that as my cue to rise out of the tiny ditch, and I stopped to catch my breath. Even though the air was pretty damn chilly, I felt like my entire body was about to burn up and explode. A couple more fortunate folks rose from their fox holes and stood up straight once the skeleton Sargent looked at us.

"Now, these guys are the ones you cocksuckers want to imitate," he growled. "Difference between them and you is that they actually give a shit. Those of you who didn't make it—start over and do it one more time. As for the rest of you, you're off to the range. Get moving!"

"Sir, yes sir!" we all shouted.

I grabbed my laser rifle and attempted to look for Poison among the mock battlefield. Fortunately, I saw him out in the distance and followed close behind him.

"Nice going, Frank," he said. "You actually made it to the fox hole in time. It only took you a whole month to get it right."

"Aw, shut up," I said. "You ain't much better, pal. Remember when you absolutely sucked at melee combat?"

"Don't you dare bring that shit up."

"Dude, it was fucking hilarious," I said. "You didn't even know the difference between kung-fu and karate. It was so sad to watch you throw the most pathetic punches."

"You know what else was hilarious? Your shit aim. Now, we're even."

I briefly looked back at the poor souls doing the fox hole course again.

"C'mon, faster!" yelled the skeleton Sargent. "My grandma can run faster than you, and she's dead! I can run faster than you, and I'm dead! Pick it the fuck up!"

"I thought he was supposed to be a Sargent," I chuckled. "Not a gym teacher."

"Watch him make us play dodgeball in five minutes," said Poison.

We made our way to the shooting range with the rest of the group, and another skeleton Sargent stood there waiting for us.

"Welcome back, mortals," she shouted. "Let's see how much you've improved. Get ready!"