Frank Iero and the Meaning of Life

Chapter Thirty-One - Mr. Worldwide

When I woke up from my surgery, I noticed three things.

One, they didn't actually chop my whole legs off. They just modified them to look really fucking cool. The second thing was that they appeared to have welded all of my tattoos into the metal parts of it, so that was an added bonus. The third thing was that my army had already stormed Washington DC and took it over completely.

So, basically the entire United States of America is effectively mine.

I love bureaucracy.

The second I walked into my office, the original gang looked very happy to see me; except, of course, for Sandwich Gerard, who still looked a little miserable and didn't say a single word. Poison's eyes lit up when he saw me, and he immediately gave me a hug.

"Frank!" he said. "You got your new legs!"

"Yep," I said. "It was a success. Except...I don't feel any taller."

"That's because you aren't, yet."

"Wait a minute," I said. "Are these things adjustable?"

I looked down at my legs and attempted to search for some kind of button or switch of some sort. Sure enough, there was a tiny switch on my right kneecap; when I pressed it, my legs sprung up and I grew several inches in height.

"Woah!" I said. "This is fucking rad!"

At this point, I was able to look Poison directly in the eye. He smiled brightly, and I noticed that his eyes sparkled.

"This is kinda weird," he said, "but cool! I wonder what the maximum setting is?"

"I was thinking the exact same thing, dude!" I said. "Hang on!"

I messed around with both of the switches, and I suddenly shot up a couple feet. At this point, I was practically on stilts and stumbled around.

"Watch out!" I said. "Bad idea, bad idea!"

Everyone ran out of my way as I struggled to keep my balance like a drunk idiot, and to make matters worse, Miles entered the room and looked up at me with amazement.

"Holy smokes!" he exclaimed. "Cherry! Lily! Check it out! Dad's a cyborg!"

The other two girls ran into the room, and they ran around my stick legs while laughing their asses off as if it were the funniest thing they had ever seen. Of course, this didn't make my balance problem any better.

"Woah there, guys!" I said. "Away from the legs! Away from the—"

I lost my balance, fell on my ass, and retracted my legs to normal height.

"Ow," I said.

"That was awesome!" said Cherry. "What other upgrades are you gonna get?"

"I think the legs are enough..." I said.

"Aw, man!" said Miles. "I think you should get a metal arm!"

"And laser vision!" said Lily.

"Maybe those can wait until later," I said.

Then, Jamia walked in with a sour look on her face.

"Why don't you three go fire up the Xbox?" I said.

"I'm player one!" declared Miles.

The three of them took off out of the office making a big racket. I got up, dusted myself off, and prepared for the worst from Jamia.

"I hope you're happy with yourself," she said.

"What's the big deal?" I said. "Am I being a bad father?"

"Surprisingly," she said, "you've been excelling in that area. You're not a bad father. You're a bad person."