Frank Iero and the Meaning of Life

Chapter Thirty - Planet of the Emos

Just about two days later, the entire state of New Jersey was ours.

I didn't even bother to send a bill of secession up to DC; the moment we blockaded the coastline and borders, it sent a clear message to the world that New Jersey was now an independent empire and ready to kick the rest of the world's pathetic ass.

Unfortunately, I realized that day that it was probably a stupid idea to blow up the capitol building instead of just capturing it. So, instead, I decided to set up HQ in Newark instead (which is honestly a hell of a lot cooler than Trenton). I decided to kick Panasonic out of their epic skyscraper and cleared out all of the boring corporate bullshit; I then immediately ushered in only the coolest goth dad furniture money could buy and set it up all over the place to make it feel a little more homey. The best part? I got my amazingly comfy chair back.

As I sat there one evening reclining in my own awesome punkness, Jet came rushing in with another stupidly big stack of papers with a panicked look on his face.

"Sir Frank!" he said. "We've got some issues!"

"What could it be now?" I said.

"There are tons of political and social issues at stake, sir," he said. "First of all, the economy is in shambles! Market volatility has gone absolutely berserk since we took over, and it appears that Dow futures are looking worse than they did than the Great Depression!"

"Just tax the everloving shit out of the rich," I grumbled. "Make them pay for everything. Redistribute the wealth. And while you're at it, why don't you go ahead and nationalize the biggest mega-corporations for me."

"Isn't that communism?" he said.

"No, you idiot," I grumbled. "It's socialism."

"Pretty sure it's not."

"Just shut up and tell me whatever the hell the next problem is."

"Sorry, sir," he said. "Anyway, the next problem is the mass chaos happening in the streets. It's almost anarchy out there. What should we do to quell the rioting?"

"I dunno," I said. "Just round them all up and put them in prison. We've got military police bots pouring out of our ass...just make them get the job done."

"So now you want to be fascist? I'm so confused..."

"Jet...if I want to do the cha cha slide with my politics, then I fucking will."

"Right, sorry," he stammered. "Slide to the left?"

"Slide to the right! Heheh."

"Well," he continued, "I just wanted to say that there isn't nearly enough room in the prisons for all the dissidents!"

"In that case," I said, "just line 'em up and shoot them."

"That's cruel and unusual punishment," he said.

"Look, pal," I said. "Do you think the US constitution matters here?"

"N-no."

"And you wanna know why?"

"Why?"

"Because I threw it in the fucking paper shredder, you dingus," I muttered. "We're an independent empire. We are now the People's Republic of Frank, and I make all the rules. Which means if I want to ruthlessly kill people who don't agree with me, then I fucking will."

"That's fair," he said, "but killing all those people would eat away at our labor force."

"Hmm," I said. "That's a problem. Y'know what? Call up the CEO and ask her to start pumping out as many brainwashing pills as possible. Why kill dissidents when we could just strip them of their souls instead?"