Letter 2 U

Part 23 - The Trainee

"Loving you has been hard, chaotic. Loving you always involved some kind of waiting. A neverending one. I know now that I'm strong enough to wait a bit more. Long time ago, I didn't mind the hurt, the disappointment, or the frustration of never being loved back. Since the beginning, I knew I had no chance of getting out of this maze of anticipation unscathed. I did it to myself, I knew I was going to sacrifice my heart, I knew I couldn't escape those feelings, I didn't even want to. It felt dangerously maddening to have you so close and so far at the same time. You were like a huge flame burning every inch of my soul, day by day. And for you, I wouldn't bother to slowly go up in smoke. To see you comfortably in his arms made me feel woeful, but content. I knew how great was the love you felt for him, and I just dreamed of the day you would look at me the way you gazed at him. Miserably damned to watch your happiness from afar, without really being part of it, became a routine for me. I assumed you would never be mine and you would always be his. I got used to that despairing way of thinking. I was okay with it, believe me, after that epic rejection I convinced myself that MarkSon was endgame. I would never imagine, in my wildest dreams that fate would somehow bring us together. I could never picture that outcome, you finally leaving him for me. But that didn't happen at once, it was painfully steady, excruciatingly undemanding. Life brutally targeted you in so many ways and I just hoped I could offer some sort of consolation or support to you. Fame put our sanities at risk, especially yours. Although you were still infatuated with him, his abusive and uncaring ways just added more to your melancholy. The media's attention, the blackmailing, the ludicrous demands of a maniac, all that weakened your state of mind. And I just couldn't witness that happen anymore. I could feel hope breathing down my neck when you willingly kissed me for a second time. But I also felt something else, the growing darkness taking over you, turning you into a shadow of what you used to be. And I wanted to take that ugly thing out of you, even if I had to absorb some of it too. I wanted us to share everything, the rarity of our good moments, the angst of our often bad ones. So you see, when we really got together, you were already in a very dark place, my love. And I went there with you. I surfed through the bad waves by your side. But now, so much is gone from your mind, pieces of us, our life together. You don't remember when Jackson left for Hong Kong, and you asked me for help because you didn't wanna die. You don't remember when you were too scared to be alone with him and though I couldn't figure out why, I sort of got rid of him for you. You don't remember when you openly told me about your feelings, leaving me no choice but to break up with my past boyfriend. You don't remember when you put your Valium away and I replaced it with some doses of JYP. You don't remember when we made love for the first time and you told me you felt loved and in love. You don't remember choosing me over him when letter2u made you decide between the two of us. You don't remember when we fearlessly went together to that metro station to fight our greatest enemy. You know, for a change, I felt like I could be your superhero or something, but he showed up and stole the spotlight, just like when he saved you from that red car. But you don't even remember that, do you? You don't remember when you told me about your troubled past, an era as tempestuous as this one we are living. Deep down, I was afraid of all the storms you had been through, of what all those thunders could've done to you, but I never meant to cast you away. Even if he forced me to, I wouldn't be able to let you go, ever. I became weak too, Mark. I thought I couldn't be your rock anymore, I thought he could help me with you, but how wrong I was! I let his manipulative ways get the best of me. I left you to your own devices, because I was afraid you'd never love me again after everything I revealed to him and he even threatened to tell all of it to your parents! I played his game and almost lost you in the most tragic way. If you had died, I would have followed you to wherever the wings of angels or claws of demons would drag you. I'd go through heaven and hell for you, baby, I wouldn't spend a day without your existence. I'd rather seek damnation. At last, I understand that suicide isn't about wanting to die, or just being mentally ill, it can also be about not wanting to be alive under certain circumstances. I love you, Mark Tuan Yien and I always will. I just want you to know that I'll always be waiting, in this life or the next."