Letter 2 U

Part 44 - The days

"No, you won't. You are in my house and you have no right to barge in here and tell my guests what to do. You don't get to order us around, not anymore." Jackson informed JB, while sizing him up. The rapper remained seated on his sofa, squinting at the former leader of Got7.

"Is that so? You really wanna do this now, Jackson? I don't plan to stay long 'cause Jinyoung is crying his heart out at my apartment, but I can make time to teach you a lesson, pal." JB jutted his chin and moved towards the Hongkonger.

"Show me what you've got." Jackson just shrugged as the Korean angrily walked in his direction. Mark was about to get up from the couch to stop him, but in an instant Youngjae appeared in the leaving room and quickly put a firm hand on JB's chest. He was already fully dressed and carried a bag on his shoulder.

"It's late, we don't have time for this. Let's go." Youngjae stated wisely and took his hand in his. Jaebeom blinked a few times at his dongsaeng and a relieved sigh escaped his lips.

"Samchon." JB observed how their fingers were entwined and then he took a while just staring at Youngjae's angelic face. His eyes immediately softened and his tone dropped. The younger shuddered when he heard the nickname that only JB was allowed to call him. They held each other's gaze for a while. Then Jackson cleared his throat, just to remind them where they were.

"Leaving so soon, Jae-ah? You don't have to go if you don't want to. Now that the four of us are here, we could all Netflix and chill. Who's up for a fourgie?" The rapper winked at Youngjae with a smirk plastered on his face. The embarrassed dongsaeng couldn't help but cringe at his shamelessness. Still, Jackson's sentence only made JB hold Youngjae's hand tighter. The younger didn't seem to mind the intensity of his grip.

"Can't you stop?!" Mark almost bared his teeth as he reprimanded the Hongkonger. He was obviously aware of his intentions. Jackson suddenly had his playful mode on and he would get his kicks from teasing JB if the latter gave him the satisfaction of responding to it.

"Are you coming or not?" JB dismissed Jackson's nonsensical suggestion and turned to Mark again. Silence fell, as the American seemed to decide what to do. However, when Youngjae bent down and picked up his wedding ring from the center table, Mark held his breath.

"Since you are staying, do you want me to return this to Jinyoung hyung?" Youngjae asked, raising an eyebrow at his eldest hyung. There was a challenge in that question and Mark knew that. His eyes travelled from the younger's pout to the ring he was holding. Millions of thoughts crossed the American's mind at that moment. He thought of the day Jinyoung gave that ring to him, he thought of those painful but also beautiful 2 years he spent with him, he thought of Jinyoung's eye-smile whenever he would tell him he loved him and would kiss the band around his finger. He thought of how he could manage to give up all that and live another day. It would be pure hell to go on without his husband. Deep down he knew he wouldn't ever really be able to discard that marriage within a week. The American suddenly felt naked without that ring around his finger.

"Don't you touch what's not yours!" Mark retorted as he abruptly walked up to Youngjae and took his wedding ring back in a single motion. As soon as the object was in his possession, he put it back on his finger and an overwhelming comfort immediately washed over him.

"Right back at you." His dongsaeng's voice wasn't really accusing, it sounded more like a sad request. Mark felt a pang of guilt stab his heart. He had just realized that Youngjae's insecurity was quite similar to Jinyoung's. The two seemed to be frequently haunted by their lovers' previous affairs. The singer believed that Mark would never be capable to fully forget how it felt like to be in the arms of a certain rapper, and Youngjae seemed to think the same about Got7's former leader and Mark. What his dongsaeng didn't seem to realize, was that MarkSon and MarkBum had different stories and contexts. The brief fling Mark had with JB never came close to the same intensity and heartache that infused his relationship with Jackson. Sex with Jaebeom was a quick and pleasurable escape from a calamitous crisis Mark had to face at the time. JB wasn't just his Jeju affair, he was an available get away for the elder in a period that he was struggling to find a way to reassert a measure of control over his own life. Lee Tae-U, Kim Kwon and Jackson Wang. All the three were back at the island at the same time. And at some point, in different occasions and places, those three individuals threatened to strip Mark from his self-autonomy, usurping his right to govern his own body and mind. JB was on the periphery of such a mental thunderstorm, and Mark felt the necessity of reaffirming a sense of sexual authority that was robbed from him since the day he was raped by his first boyfriend in a brothel. He didn't sleep with JB because he loved him or because he was forced to, he just did it because he wanted it, he allowed it to happen and that fact alone alleviated the tremendous trauma that still resounded inside his soul. If JB wasn't there, sooner or later, he would have sought that kind of comfort and safety in someone else. On the other hand, sex with Jackson was beyond instant gratification. It used to be a natural act of love until it turned into a deformity of it. Jackson violated Mark and Mark used Jaebeom. Those facts could never be changed. The American reminded himself that he had to clarify that fact to Youngjae, the sooner the better. The elder promised himself that after that stressful week was over, he would find time to explain to Youngjae facts that he himself was only able to comprehend after several sessions of therapy. In a way or another, he ought to convince his dongsaeng that he had no intention of stealing Jaebeom from him.