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Chapter 24 - Awake My Soul

A/N: I strongly recommend playing the above song whilst reading this chapter. I think it suits the middle quite well. It's by Mumford and Sons and is on Spotify, YouTube and the like. Enjoy, but beware the song is emotional.

WARNING: CONTAINS MENTIONS OF SUICIDE.

I forcefully pushed away the leaves and left the clearing. Jodie was calling my name, following me, but I picked up my pace, running all the way to the Round Pond.

I circled around it, hoping she'd give up. But Jodie kept going, shouting for me to stop. I was growing tired, my leg muscles were killing me and I had a painful stitch in my side which clutched with one arm. I eventually had to stop, and bent over, out of breath, still crying. My energy had been completely zapped from me.

Jodie slowed down and jogged over to me, a look of pure worry in her face. I started to limp away to the pond, where I could at least try and drown myself.

But she grabbed me by the shoulder so I couldn't move. She brought my head up to hers and looked me in the eyes.

'I'm not letting you go this time, Y/N. I need to know why you do this, so we can fix it together. Please, tell me.'

I couldn't bring myself to tell her. Whatever I was wanting to say couldn't from itself into words, and our relationship was over anyway. She didn't need to know. Using my last remaining scrap of strength, and without thinking, I pushed her away.

'GET AWAY FROM ME!!!' I screamed. The force of the push caused me to fall backwards onto the grass, my whole body aching. No tears left me now, just moans of pain and hurt. I rolled from side to side, hands over my eyes.

'Y/N, please.' Jodie urged, keeping her distance.

'Just leave me alone! I don't want an audience when I die.' I muttered, trying to get onto my knees. I kept collapsing but I wouldn't give up.

'I still want to know. I need to know, Y/N. It breaks my heart to see you like this.'

'I.Don't.Care.' I was on all fours now, crawling to the water.

'Please, just tell me. Then you can do whatever you need to do. Your parents loved you, and they would want you tell me.'

All motivation and determination disappeared when she mentioned my parents. 'They didn't love me! They left me and my siblings to fend for ourselves!'

'Y/N I have to tell you something. It's about them.'

I stopped, looking up at her. Her eyes told the truth. I sighed and put my head down. 'I'll tell you, but you tell me about them first.'

'They got in contact once you posted that photo of me, you and your siblings together for Livs birthday. We called, and we talked. About you. And your family.'

'They left you because they felt like they weren't good enough parents for you. And since you were old enough for a well-paying job, they felt like you and Tom would be better parents then they could ever be.'

'I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I wanted to wait until we got married, but....well...'

'I got in the way, I know.'

'I wasn't saying that!'

'It's all my fault Jodie. All my fault. All of this. I should've never taken the job, taken the risk of loving you too much to make a move, and you supposedly falling in love with me. Although I don't see why anyone would love me.'

'Y/N please!' Jodie tried to explain, but I wouldn't listen to her.

'I always knew you would never love me the way you love Chris. Every time I made a move, I regretted it for days, and every time you did, I would think it was an act. Because that's what life is, isn't it? All of it. An act. Shakespeare once said that all the world is a stage, and all the people are merely actors. That's us. Actors. It's our job to be fake.'

'I do love you so, so much. To ends of the Earth I love you, Jodie, but I know I can never truly be with you. My sensitivity, my feelings, will always get in the way. I don't want to hurt you, but it's too late for that.'

'I run away because.....I could never handle my emotions properly. Maybe if I thought that if I ran away from them, they'd never come back. All the energy I loose is like loosing the concepts of all my problems. It's really stupid, I know, but I suppose that's how I am. Why people hate me.'

'Y/N STOP!!' Jodie yelled. 'Just, stop! You're ruining yourself like this. Get up, come on. I'll help you.'

I let her pick me up and get my on two feet. She brought our heads together and I started to cry again. There were so many I couldn't wipe them all. They just kept coming.

I heard running behind Jodie, and Mandip's voice I wanted to shout at her, to just leave us alone, but I saw Jodie was ignoring her, so I did to.

She took my hands in hers and closed her eyes. 'How many times do I have to say 'I love you' before you believe me? Why can't once be enough?'

'I thought you were just trying to make me satisfied.' I choked. Jodie quietened me.

'Why would I do that?' she said softly. 'That's outright lying to someone about true feelings. That's the worst thing you could do to someone, especially if they're in love. Love is the thing that hurts the very most. But it's also the best gift anyone can give you. I'd never, ever lie about true love, please understand that.'

'I thought I wasn't good enough for you. I knew could never match you.'

'You don't have to match someone to be good enough for them, come on! Your feelings have broken you, Y/N. I'm not asking you to change, I'm asking you to forgive yourself for everything you blame yourself for. This isn't the happy, funny, brilliant person I bumped into, is it?'