Be My Addiction

39 • Anxiety

So, before I start with the updated chapter, I will answer a few questions that I had been asked.

Q: What inspired you to write BMA?

A: This question has a few answers I can address. First, I wanted to write this book as a test really. Originally, I was writing strictly straight books. I had always left them unfinished. So I started this book to see if I could write something in a genre I enjoyed reading.

I also wanted to write this book in a way to sort of express parts of mental health and sexually that isn't always discussed. There is a lot of homosexual representation, which is great, but I didn't feel there is enough representation for people who could still fit the mxm theme without being strictly gay. It's also a new thing to express people who don't care about their sexuality as a label.

Q: How old are you and where are you from?

A: I am turning 18 this year and I am from Iowa

I would also like to thank everyone who has sent me amazing messages and read my book so far.

Now, lets get to the book!

*Warning, this chapter contains mention of death/overdosing and the mental process of someone who feels intense guilt. If you are easily triggered, please read cautiously and take breaks if needed*

Eugene

What have I done? 

What have I just done? 

I could see Ethan crying from my rearview mirror and I had to force myself not to stop the car and turn around.

He probably hated me, and he had all right to.

Just the thought sent an ache into my chest.

I knew Veronica would be very proud of the mess she made. Hopefully she wouldn’t try anything else because the damage was done. I wish I could tell Ethan what was going on, but I couldn’t. That would make Veronica fulfill her warning, which, at this point, I knew wasn’t a hollow threat.
I couldn’t risk him getting hurt. I knew he was getting better with coping and handling his fear of cars but that didn’t mean his mental state was the best. If he gets bullied, he could go back to taking those pills. He could start hating life, like I’m sure he did a few months ago.

If he took those drugs, he would become reckless. And if he became reckless... He might take too much.

I felt a lump of emotion building in my throat and a prick behind my eyes, making them water. I’ve never lost anyone before. Not in that sense, so I guess I could consider myself lucky. But that means I have no idea what I would do if Ethan overdosed. I don’t know what I would do if I found out the bullying I forced him into caused him to go that far. 

I just..

I couldn’t lose him.

So I had to do it. I had to hurt him to keep him safe.

Even I knew that sounded like a contradiction.

The drive home was silent. I didn’t listen to any music and my knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel too tight. I spent the drive contemplating everything that had happened. I knew I damaged Ethan, and I could already feel the guilt clawing its way up my chest, making it hard to focus on driving, which I needed to do because I did not need to crash my car.

I finally made it home and pulled in, parking my car before turning off the engine and getting out. Mom was home so she was, unfortunately, able to see me dart to my room. I’m sure she called my name but I didn’t listen. I wasn’t in the mood to talk because I’m sure she would see something was wrong. I didn’t have it in me to explain that I was the worst boyfriend of the century.