Be My Addiction

40 • Whispers

*warning, this chapter depicts how a person might behave regarding a depressive episode, though there isn't any intense scenes. There is also the mention of harassment and bullying*

Ethan

It’s been two days since Eugene hurt me. I haven’t gotten over it, and I know it’s supposed to take more time. I know that. But I couldn’t help but wish time would suddenly jump forward because I can’t take this pain anymore. 

I knew I sounded pathetic but I trusted him. And he hurt me without giving me a ledge to grasp onto.

All I could do was watch, from afar, as he went about his day, thriving in the halls with his other jock buddies. He appeared to be doing well at a first glance, though I had noticed how he now had bags under his eyes, which were similar to mine. And I noticed how his hair wasn’t as styled as it used to be. His hair has always been a bit messy, but this was a sad kind of messy. 

I could tell he wasn’t doing great after breaking up with me, which filled me with confusion. If this was hurting him so much, why had he done it? When I asked myself this late at night, I usually concluded that maybe he was hurting because he felt guilty, not for breaking up with me, but for letting me believe I had a chance. 

But right now, I didn’t want to think that. 

I watched him as he opened his locker, letting out a half-hearted laugh before dopping his facade after his friends walked away. I wanted to talk to him, even if it was just to hear his voice. He didn’t have to give me the time of day, I just wanted to see his auburn eyes on me.

I soon found myself approaching. A bit of hope had built up, though it easily dissolved when I saw Veronica. She was staring in my direction with her eyebrow raised. I didn’t know why she was looking at me but I could see faint humor in her eyes. I could almost hear her saying ‘oh how the tables have turned’, and she would be right.

She used to be in my place. That night, at the party, Eugene broke up with her and she didn’t take no for an answer. She tried to get him back and he rejected her.

My eyes flickered back to Gene, who didn’t seem to notice my presence even though I was only a few feet away. 

Was I like Veronica? 

If I went up to him, would he just consider me an annoying bug who couldn’t handle the rejection?

Probably.

That was a hard lump to swallow.

Slowly, I turn around and went home. It wasn’t even the end of the day, but school wasn’t a priority at the moment. I walked home, hopeless, as a special kind of cold crept from my chest to my arms. 

Maybe it was because of the fall weather, but more likely than not, I was just settling into loneliness.

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The next morning, I had no motivation to get up, but I knew I had to. I couldn’t handle the pressure the teachers would give me stacked on with everything else. So I pulled myself up and pulled on low management clothes, which happened to be sweat pants, a shirt, and a hoodie. I shoved my feet in my shoes without even bothering to tie them. 

I just felt like it would be too much of an effort.

As I walked downstairs, I heard my mom in the kitchen. It was a bit surprising to see her home but I didn’t have time to think about it. “Bye mom, I’m going to school.” I decided to announce, just to have that feeling of what it was like to have my parents there when I woke up. I didn’t wait for a response, however. I left before giving her the chance.

I think I did that because I wanted to hurt her in some way. I wanted to show her how it felt to be walked out on before she even had a chance to ask me to stay, not that she would have.

I felt bitter… and guilty.

I felt guilty because I was also taking out my hurt on her, even if she had no recognition of that.

Knowing that left a sour taste on my tongue, like vinegar or lime salt, but I sat in that feeling until I got to school. Begrudgingly, I pushed open the doors.

Only to be surrounded in silence.

It felt like the first day of school all over again, because all eyes were on me and whispers bounced around the concrete halls.

Have you ever walked into a room and immediately knew the topic was about you? By the way that people watched, or tried not to. By the way, the air felt charged with too much attention?

On the first day of school, it was just like this. But I knew why I was under the metaphorical microscope back then. 

But why now?

For some reason, not knowing made me scared.

Unfortunately for me, it didn’t take long to learn.

How, you ask?

I was slammed into the nearest wall within minutes; pinned in place.

I quickly recovered from the shock and noted the small ache in my shoulder blades before I looked to the person who held me captive. He was a bigger guy from the hockey team, and I’m not surprised because being slammed into a wall tells you a lot about a person. I took in his features, specifically his angered expression. With the most level tone I could muster, I questioned, “Can I help you?”

His expression only seemed to twist further, “We know what you did.” He hissed, almost spitting in my face.

Confusion was clear in my face, “Excuse me?”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You know, I don’t have anything against gay people, but I can’t believe you would go as far as harassment out of desperation.”

I felt the color drain from my face, and for many reasons. One being that I was just called gay in front of a hallway of students, and another because any claim of harassment is a very serious deal. “I-I don’t understand.” Reasonably, I stuttered.

“Let me make it clear then.” He snapped, grabbing me by my hoodie, only to slam me back against the wall, “We all know you came on to Eugene. He’s not gay, but apparently you couldn’t take the hint. That’s why you two aren’t friends anymore, right?” He wasn’t asking. “Because you harassed Eugene. And now everyone knows. Good luck with that.”

My eyes widened and I’m sure I had visibly started shaking. I never harassed him. Did I? Who said I had? Panic laced questions filled my system, burning hot, like venom. All I could do was whisper.

“What?”

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Sorry for not posting in a while. I was hit with a wave of "dont do anything".
Also, I had gotten my first binder yesterday, only to learn it was too small, which upset me quite a bit-

But more important news:
I will be visiting family in the country where there is bad reception. If I vanish, don't be alarmed. I haven't forgotten this book and I will probably be writing throughout the two months that I am there

Again, sorry for the constant late updates and thank you to everyone who still had the patience to wait for me to actually publish <3