The Moon Knows It All !!!

Chapter 14

Vanessa's POV...

I felt a sudden pain in my wrist. Am I dreaming? I remember the pain when I was in the bathroom. It hurts the same. I squinted my eyes to open. The room was dark but it felt like too much light to me. I remember cutting myself. I remember the pain, I remember sleeping in the bathroom but I am not in the bathroom. I slowly opened my eyes and saw nothing in the room. I was pinned and plugged with a lot of machines and 2 needles poking right in my arm one looked like blood and another a transparent liquid, I don't know I did not clear my medical entrance exams. I slowly sat up on my bed. I looked around to see and found my phone lying on the night table beside.

I picked it up and switched it on. Saturday? We went to a party on Tuesday. I did not wake up for 3 days? I am still in Suga's bedroom. I slowly pulled out the needles from my hand. I took of the clippers on my finger and suddenly alarm go off. I switched the button that was glowing red on one of the machines, shutting it off. It was late afternoon. I slowly wiggled my feet to the ground and tried getting into the bathroom. I stood under the shower and tried my best to recollect everything. Suga must have found me and took me to the hospital. Or maybe bring the hospital home? Who knows what these guys can do? I wanted to get out of it and fell right into it. I suddenly had a rush of embarrassment. What will I tell them? How will I tell them it is my habit? Suga never mentioned any of my marks but he has seen it earlier. Will they ask me? Or will they avoid it because they are uncomfortable?

I don't know how to react to all the sudden thoughts and I scrunched to the bathroom floor. Water falling over me that was soothing, to be honest, but it was very soothing that made me crave Suga's embrace. Why am I thinking about him with everything? What is wrong with me? If it wasn't for him I would have died. I did cut myself but I never wanted to die and end it all. Shit. How will I explain things to him? There we go, again. For fuck's sake, stop thinking about him. You are not his friend or girlfriend that he will be concerned about. Just take your stupid ass to him, apologize and go back to your miserable life and home. I thought to myself.

I stood up and got out of the Jacuzzi shower. The luxurious life must end now and here. I walked out to the room and wore a black t-shirt and black jeans. I took my phone and unlocked my room to peak out. There was no one in the living room. I walked to the third room on the same floor. I remember it is his office he had shown me the other day. He was not there in the office either. I walked out into the living room again. I called out to him but no one responded. I think he is not home. Now what? Shall I leave? Shall I stay? He might now allow me to leave. Why should I be any more burden to him than I already am? I sighed. Why is it so difficult for me to take a fucking decision when it comes to him? Thinking about it I sat on the Sofa, missing how Suga kept his arms behind my head and let me fall in his arms that day.

I took the liberty to light a cigarette while waiting for him. I cannot just take off, I should thank him at least. I had taken just a few puffs when it was snatched away from me. I twisted my head to watch Suga behind me holding the cigarette and glaring at me. "Even if you feel fine now, you should not be smoking young lady." He glared at me some more. "Oh! Come on Grandpa, let me, I have not smoked for 4 long days." I chuckled at him. He took a puff himself and plopped on the sofa beside me. He then extinguished the cigarette, making me scowl at him, "Why would you do that?"

"Tell me how are you feeling now?" I suddenly turned grim at his question. Do I really have to tell him everything?

"I am feeling good and fine. Thanks for taking care of me." I skillfully avoided the elephant in the room (my mental issues) Suga did not bother to ponder on the topic either and I am glad for it.

"Jin hyung made some soup for you just in case. He has been cooking and bringing over food, every day for you, just in case you wake up at any time. I had been eating the same without being sick. Will you care to join me for dinner?" Suga asked.

I nodded and we both moved to the kitchen. I saw him re-heating the soup and making some noodles. I watched him cooking, damn he is gorgeous. This man is continuously shuffling stuff and adding, chopped veggies. He has folded his shirt sleeve till his elbow. His white shirt is well tucked inside his jeans and secured with a belt. I cannot see his belt buckle because he is wearing an apron. It is not possible to peel your eyes away from him. His mouth partially open, hands moving in rhythm making the best of his cooking abilities.

He soon put down the noodles and soup in front of me. He then took out some kimchi and water to complete the meal. He then sat down opposite me filling our plates and bowls with food. I can do all these small things but he urged me to just lay them there and enjoy him working. I picked my spoon and took a scoop of soup. It was really hot and I burned my lips a bit. The spoon dropped and I hissed.

"Yaaah!!" Suga screamed at me. I looked at him with sorry eyes. He suddenly moved his kitchen stool closer to me and sat on it. He started blowing on the soup while feeding me a little once in a while. He then picked the chopsticks and swirled the noodles to feed me again. I took the bite and looked in his eyes. 

"Why are you babying me so much Suga?" I asked him while chewing on the delicious food. He flinched at my question. 

"Do you like me?" I questioned him and my questions tensed him up. He looked around and shoved some kimchi in my mouth. 

"Do not dream too much. Just eat" he reacted and got up. Right, why will he like me? He just helped me. I mean nothing to anyone. 

"The soup is cold now. You can eat on your own. I will have my dinner too." We ate in silence. Neither saying any word just occasional glances at each other.  We had our super early dinner and dumped our cutlery in the wash sink. There is a maid who takes care of the house in Suga's absence.

He walked me back to my room. "You should rest for a while. You need it" he looked at me. 

"It is ok. I don't want to sleep. I was practically sleeping for the last 3 days you see." I sassed at him. 

"Then, how about a movie? We can watch here, in the bedroom, while you lie and rest." Suga asked me. 

"Actually," I trailed off... "Sure, let's do that," I said. Let's go back tomorrow. I can't leave now. Fairly, I don't know why I said that. Sure I wanted to go home but I could not say anything. I am bad with goodbyes, you know.

We both snuggled in the bed. Suga covered me well and asked me to recline on the bedpost, while we watched the movie on the TV mounted on the wall against the bed. I do not know when Suga dozed off watching it beside me, but I was wide awake. I guess the 3-day sleep is going to intoxicate me forever. I took the opportunity to sneak out of the bed. In Suga's office, I found all the needed supplies.

I wrote him a note.

I left the note on the table. I took my phone and a jacket and walked out. I slowly opened the door and walked out on the street. There was a pang in my heart but I avoided it. Walking at night, the silence on the road was deafening. But, I did not stop or looked back. I kept walking and soon reached the bus stop. There was still a late-night crowd on the road with occasional taxis and Buses. I took the bus home. The whole ride, I hugged myself and tilted my head against the window. What is the purpose of my life now? Do I have to make a new start again? Already?

I entered my home and it felt way too cold. I glanced around in dark but nothing seemed out of place. I sighed and switched on the lights. I wanted to have my brother over. I wanted to have dinner with him. I wanted to hug him. I wanted us to live in this house and make new memories. But, it is not possible anymore. The thoughts pooled my eyes with tears again. 

Taking off my shoes, I walked to the kitchen. I took my cigarette stash and drinks from the closet. I shook my head and made myself a drink. Lighting a cigarette I walked out in the back yard. I looked up at the new moon smiling down at me. This Moon Knows It All. It has seen me in glory, dusted me off the rags. It has seen me struggle and win my difficulties. But, it knows it all. Why did it not tell me that my life was worthless? I closed my eyes. Tears staining my face. I don't want to cry anymore. He is at least alive. I am happy with that much. He is just not in my life but alive. The drinks and smoke must have intoxicated me along with the heavy painkillers in my system, for I dozed off, partially from the little exertion too.