𝐣𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐲 | 𝐡. 𝐬𝐭𝐲𝐥𝐞𝐬

-4-

My thoughts have over conquered me these past days. I took a break from social media and tried to push my phone away. On the bright side, I've been able to talk to Charli. She's incredibly sweet and caring. She gave me some advice about the hate I've been receiving and promised it'll get better. Hopefully, it will. I've been working out nonstop and still don't know if it's enough. I've cut down meals and snacks. Maybe I'll be considered pretty now.

I've been preparing myself for interviews and different events. I'm supposed to be proud of myself, but it seems like I've been forced into this position by my mother. She hasn't been paying attention to me, only my work schedule. I just want to tell her how I feel, but it seems impossible because she is always telling me to practice or body shaming me. I can never please her.

It feels like I'm trapped in a box. I can't make up my mind. I'm lucky to have a fan base, but I don't deserve it. It feels so wrong. I think all of this while setting up my phone.

"I have sixty seconds to explain years worth of hurt and pain I've experienced while in the 'spotlight.' As a kid, I was always bullied for various things; freckles, hair, clothes, lips, weight, body shape, and even voice. By ten, I was worried about all of those things! Ten! You wanna know what I should've been worried about? What crayon I was gonna use to color with to match dog fur perfectly. Who I was gonna sit with at lunch. I wasn't. I changed my appearance and was applauded. It was fun for a while, but now all of this is back and somehow worse. I ask everyone sitting behind their screen this: would you want to sit and stare at your mirror, wondering why you felt like a mistake? Why do you feel like a brick is sitting on your chest and pushing you down? Because that's how I feel. I've been working on myself for the past few days, taking some advice you all have given me. I hope I'm up to your standards. Treat people with kindness." I finished.

I saved the video and posted it to my social medias. I stretched and answered some DMs. I still had to plan an outfit for Ellen. I groaned loudly at the thought since my bones ached. I had to dress fancier than I did before. This was a sit-down interview, not one for games, etc.

I took deep breaths and walked over to my mirror. I was definitely shaped better. Okay. Jaw up, head balanced, shoulders slightly back. Be relaxed but not slumped over.

You've got this.