Save me - Larry stylinson

Chapter forty four

I don't hold Harry's hand as we drive. It's a long drive. And he doesn't even know where we are going. He looks at me a little confused and concerned, but I just keep my eyes on the road. I can feel the wetness under my palms. I'm holding onto the staring wheel so tight that my knuckles are starting to turn white. I can tell that Harry wants to say something. He wants to ask me where we are going and how things went with Stan. I can tell by the way he turn his head to look at me and opens his mouth, but close it again and turn his eyes back to the view outside the window. I throw a fast look down at his lap where his hands are laying. I try to keep focus on driving while looking at them again. His nails. They are painted. They are all painted in a peach pink color. I smile and move my eyes back to the road. He's starting to loose up a bit and that makes me happy. He can wear whatever he wants or style himself the way he wants. And still be beautiful. Still be perfect. Finally, after a few more minutes, we reach our destination. Harry turns his head to look at me. And this time he knows what to say.

"Are you sure you want to?" he asks in a soft voice. I stare down at my tight as he lays his hand on it.

"Yeah." I nod. "If you come with me." I move my eyes to his face. He smiles soft and nod back.

"Of course I will." he whispers and place his other hand on my cheek. I lay my hand on top of his and rub it with my thumb. We sit like this for a few minutes. He doesn't push me. He doesn't ask me if we should get out of the car. He doesn't make the first move to pull away. He just sits there and wait until I'm ready. I lean in and kiss him. It's a long, soft and simple kiss. No tongue, no hair pulling. Just a kiss. It calms me down so much. Feeling his warm breath on my face just gives me so much more energy. I pull away and stare at his eyes for a few seconds before I'm ready to leave the car. I can feel the way my shoulders raise just as I step out into the fresh air. I don't realize that I haven't been moving until Harry suddenly stands beside me. He takes my hand in his and starts walking. I lead the way. It's been so long since I was here. I hated this place. Mom used to go here a lot. She used to beg me to come with her, but I always said no. After a while, she gave up trying. She knew it always ended in yelling. Even though it's years since I was here, I remember where it is. Not long into graveyard, we reach my fathers grave. Yup, I dragged Harry with me all the way to Doncaster. I don't know why I suddenly felt such a strong need to go here. I let go of Harry's hand and sit down in front of the grave. I brush away a few leaves covering the lanterns. There is no light in them. I feel bad for not bringing any flowers or something. I haven't been here in years and don't even bring anything. I reach out to touch the stone. My finger feels the writing on it.

Mark Tomlinson
Born August 13th
Died September 1th
Rest In Peace<3

I crack up. My head falls forward and I let the tears pour out of my eyes. I still can't believe it. I don't want to believe that he's gone. I'm never going to see him again. Harry's hand touch my shoulder. He doesn't fold me in his arms or drag me away. He knows that I need this. I need to do this.

"Please come back, dad." I cry and touch the stone again. My finger stops on the K in his name. I draw it over and over again. "I'm so sorry. For everything. I apologize for everything I've done since you died. I apologize for the fact that you had to watch me grow into the person you always warned me about. I'm changing. I fell in love with this curly boy here-" I take Harry's hand and squeeze it. "He made me want to be good. I just want you to know that I'm not ashamed of loving him. I hope you support me and still love me. Because I love you dad. I miss you everyday and I just want you to come back." I sob. Harry sits down beside me and feel the stone as well. "But you can't come back. And I have to live with that. I'll live a life for you. I'll make you proud." I smile. "Always."

Harry and I both keep feeling the cold stone. A tear slide down Harry's cheek as well. He turns his head to look at me and give me a smile that is filled with pain. I lean in and kiss his lips. The sad smile disappears causing a real one to come. After a few minutes of just sitting there, we walk back to the car. An uncomfortable silence fills the car as we sit down. None of us knows what to say I think. Harry stares at me, but I keep my eyes forward. I keep my eyes in the direction towards my dads gravestone.

"Are you okay?" Harry almost whispers without touching me. I nod one single time. I want him to keep talking, but at the same time I want silence.

"You never told me how that chat with Stan went..." he says skeptically. There it came. I knew he would ask. I turn my head to look at him. He's scared that I'll snap. I take his hand in mine to relax him.

"It went well. He was wasted, angry and heartbroken." I shrug.

"Why?" he asks and lean closer to me.

"Because he walked in on Eleanor and Mark while they were fucking in Eleanor's bed."

Harry's eyes gets wide at my words. I nod at him as an answer to his wide eyes.

"I actually feel bad for him. I mean I still hate him for everything he's done, but he has his problems. He needs help and love. He needs to be loved by someone." I shake my head. Harry smiles at me. His eyes scan my whole face with this proud emotion behind them.

"What?" I laugh.

"Nothing." he shrugs. "I just can't believe that you are mine. I'm proud of you." he blush and smile shy. I reach out and poke one of his dimples making him blush even more.

"Awww. Thank you baby cakes. I'm proud of you as well." I smile and lean in towards him. "And I love you."

"I love you too." he smiles and kiss me.

"What you want to do now?" he asks when we pull away. I start the car without answering.

"Louis? Where are we going?" he laughs as I pull out on the driveway.

Instead of answering, I turn up the volume on the radio. I yell the lyrics to the song as loud as I can causing Harry to cover his face in embarrassment. I should be the one that is embarrassed because the windows are down and I'm sure everyone can hear me. But I don't care. I don't live here anymore and people probably don't recognize me. If they do they will talk about me to their family when they come home. They will say that Marks son is back. That's who I am in this town. Marks fucked up son that went from being happy and kind to be angry and rude. That's not who I am anymore and I don't give a damn shit what people think.

After a few minutes we reach our second stop. I rub my hands together in excitement. Harry turns his head towards me with a frightening look on his face.

"Here we are!" I say happy. Harry gulps causing me to laugh.

"Not a big fan of roller coasters?" I ask. He shakes his head without a single word. "That's okay, we don't have to take the big ones. We are just here to have fun!" I say and open my door. A few seconds pass before Harry's door opens. He looks pale, poor boy. I walk over to his side and grab his hand. I drag him with me into the area. Our first stop is at the little candy truck. There is a few people in front of us, giving us the time to decide what we want.

"I don't have money." Harry leans in and whisper to me. I shake my head.

"I wouldn't let you pay if you had." I smile. "It's all on me." I kiss his cheek causing him to blush and look around. We haven't really talked about how we are going to act in public, but it felt natural.

"You can get whatever you want." I smile at him as it's our turn. Harry lands on a bag of candy floss. I take this apple caramel thing. We don't really take any roller coasters or anything. We just sit down at this bench and look at people. We laugh so hard every time.

"Okay, that guy over there." Harry laughs and nods towards a big guy with a big beard and no hair, wearing only leather clothes. "What is his story?"

I stare at him for a few seconds while thinking. "He's a mom boy. He like cats and all like soft shit, but acts like he's so hard and cool. On the inside, he's a person who cries when he watches an animal getting hurt." I laugh. Harry joins me. We laugh so hard that I think I'll pee in my pants. It's not really that funny, but we are both just so overwhelmed with happiness.

"But who doesn't cry when they watch animals getting hurt?" Harry asks when we are calmed down a bit.

"I definitely cry when animals get hurt." I laugh and take a fist of his candy.

"Oh, I didn't know you were that soft, sweet cheeks." he says in this baby voice and lean closer to me.

"Only for you, baby cakes." I smile.