Mistake » John Murphy

I Hate You

Chapter 27

Hours later, I'm up.

For the first time in a long time, I have the strength to stand on my own two feet without anybody's help.

Victory!

I guess you could say, a lot of it is fuelled by motivation. The fact that my child is safe and sound makes my heart sigh in relief. This sickness could've been the end of us, but our fight kept us going. Our strength to choose to live is what I'm most proud of. And that is probably the reason I am walking around, helping others.

I'll admit, I get a little lightheaded here and there, but overall, I'm doing fine. Better than before at least.

I head around the drop ship, making sure everyone stays hydrated, before feeling the urge to sit down.

I locate a suitable spot nearby Connor, and take a seat, laying my head back against the wall.

Breathe. Just breathe.

"Hey, are you okay?"

My body tenses up as I hear his voice. A voice is used to enjoy hearing, but now dread.

I open my eyes and spot a cup in his hand.

"Here," he says. "You need to stay hydrated."

I refuse his offer and look the other way.

"Quinn, I'm just trying to help."

Blood starts to fall from my nose, and straight away, he offers me a rag to wipe it a way.

Once again, I refuse his offer.

Guess the sleeve is good for something.

I watch as he stays by my side, waiting to see if I have changed my mind about the water.

"How are you feeling?"

I simply don't answer. Instead, I pull my leg up onto the mattress to rest it.

He looks at me, wondering if I'll acknowledge his existence. And funny enough, I do.

Wait. Did I say funny enough? I meant surprisingly enough.

After finding courage, I do talk to him. I don't give him an answer, but I do say something. Something new. Something my brain is even shocked by. Something nobody apart for me, knows about.

I watch him stand, and only then, do I speak.

"Do you want to know what happened to my leg?" I ask, causing him to nod and sit back down.

I take a breath, and begin. "A couple of days ago, I was on drugs."

A questionable look is thrown my way. "You do drugs?"

Disbelief is obvious when he speaks, and I can't help but feel a little offended.

"I can get high," I tell him.

"I'm sad I left before I could see that side of you," John says, and I nod.

"Anyways, our entire camp was hallucinating after a complication with our rations-"

"Ah, I see. That's why you got high. You didn't choose to, it happened by accident."

"Uh-huh." I don't even bother to say much more to that comment because all I'm really trying to do is tell him this truth, and then never speak to him again. "So, because we were all hallucinating, all of us saw different things. Jasper kept seeing a grounder, and only a stick could keep him safe. Monty ate a pine cone because it told him to-"

"Sounds like y'all had a hell of a party."

I want to hit him. He keeps wanting to have a laugh with me, but I don't. Can he just let me speak?

"Guess so." I don't care, John. "Anyways, when I hallucinated, I saw a lot of people from my past... and you were one of them."

I watch shock rattle him for a little while as he processes what I just told him.

"Me?"

I can hardly believe it myself, John.

I nod. "Yeah, you."

"Did I-" I cut him off.

"You told me to die, pretty much. Helped me find a way to attempt suicide."

Silence lingers for a moment. Just a moment, though.

I continue. "I ended up jumping in and something got me. Tore my leg apart." I roll up my jeans to show the wound. "It's healing up. Still is painful, but it's getting there."

Positivity? Is Quinn Brady even capable of that?

Apparently so.

I roll back down the leg. "The others found me, but none of them know that I jumped or anything."

He doesn't say anything. For once, he keeps his mouth shut and listens to my words.

"So, there's the big secret. I almost killed myself. And my child."

Still nothing.

"You can go tell Bellamy, if you like. Shout it out to the entire camp. You're good at that. Exposing secrets. Making people's lives miserable, even after they've stood by you, time and time again."

I feel satisfied at the dig I just made.

Correction: the stab.

"They tried to kill me, Quinn," he says. "Bellamy tried to kill me."

"Exactly, John. They did. Bellamy did. But I didn't. Not for one second." Tears begin to form.

I'm really not that strong.

"I fought for you. I cared for you. I-"

I could've loved you, John.

"But you betrayed me, John. You hurt me in the worst way possible. You threatened my child after exposing a secret you had no right telling!" I'm a mess. I can't stop the tears. "No right whatsoever."

His eyes fill with sorrow.

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

I can't tell if he's lying or not. And even if I could, I don't think I'd care anymore.

I'm done. I'm done with John Murphy.

Wiping away my tears, I respond. "Yeah. Well, you did. And whatever I felt before. Whatever good I saw in you. All of that is gone," I explain. "I hate you. I hate you, John Murphy."

I don't bother looking at the damage I have done. Instead, I stand and walk away.

Fuck you, feelings.

Love is such a cruel game.