The Mighty Storm|| ethma

27

My heart is hurting deep inside my chest. I'm confused. My thoughts are all in a muddle.

And all I can see every time I close my eyes is the look on Ethan's face when I said to him that he was just exactly like his dad.

I didn't mean it.

Of course I didn't. I regretted the words the instant they left my mouth. But my pride wouldn't let me take them back.

Ethan could never be like Sean. He's warm and loving ... tender and so very kind.

He's just lost at the moment, and he needs help.

But I'm not sure how to help him, or if I'm even the one who can.

Still, though, I walked out and left him at the point when he needs me most. What kind of person does that?

I know he said some shitty things, but so did I.

Honestly, my behaviour of late has left me questioning myself and my morals.

Not long ago I told Ethan that I would never leave him, no matter what.

Last night I did just that. I broke my promise to him.

I kicked his ass about broken promises and then I go and do exactly the same.

Rolling over, I look at the clock for the hundredth time in the last hour.

It's 5:30am and I'm laid in a cold, empty bed in a Best Western Hotel here in Boston.

I haven't slept all night. I've just laid here in the dark, watching it through to light. Running things over and over in my mind, trying to figure out what to do for best.

After I left the Ritz, I walked around the city for hours.

Knowing I couldn't go back to our hotel, and having nowhere else to go, and no phone to call anyone on, I checked into the next hotel I happened upon in my price range.

Once in the room, I took a shower, washing my hair with the hotel provided shampoo. Then I dried it using the hotel hairdryer. It was small, and smelt of singed hair, and it took me forever to dry my hair, but I did it because I need something to focus on. Something to keep me busy.

Then I watched mindless TV for hours until I could no longer stand it.

And now, for the last four or so hours, I've had nothing to keep my mind busy, so I'm forced to think about mine and Ethan's fight.

What am I going to do?

I was so angry with him last night. Angry that he'd let himself get back there. Angry he'd lied about using drugs, and that he'd kept it from me.

But I'm not angry anymore. Now I'm worried, and so very afraid. For him. For us.

If there is still an us left.

I just don't know what to do, what's best for him?

I wish I could talk to my dad about this, get his advice. But I don't want him to know what state Ethan is in. And god, if I told my mom she'd fly out here and carry me home kicking and screaming, I know that for sure.

I don't have Stuart's number to call him. It was in my phone, the phone which Ethan broke in his little fit of rage.

And I don't want to call Simone and put all this on her. Not while she's all loved up in Denny world. Also I don't want to put her in a position where she has to lie to Denny about Ethan's drug taking, if he doesn't already know himself.

I'm on my own in this one, and will have to figure it out for myself.

One thing I do know is I can't stay here forever, hiding from Ethan and his ... our problem.