The Two Middles

Chapter 34: Constipation Is The Key To Positivity

I wiped a tear from the corner of my eye, then cracked up again, the phone barely balanced between my shoulder and ear, as I shook with laughter, "You did what?"

"Stop laughing, okay? This is serious."

"Well, I'm sorry if you're not amused, but it is pretty funny, Ian."

"How is it funny?!"

"You asked her if she was a fart because she just blew you away! What's not funny?!"

"Shut up!"

"Okay, okay, what happened next?"

"She went away!"

"She went away in the middle of your date?"

"She went to the bathroom. And I swear to god, she looked so awkward. As if she was going to explode."

"Because of all that gas?"

"What?"

"You know, because she's a fart?!" I cracked up again. 

"Aubrey! I'm hanging up! You're useless! I hope you know you're not helping me salvage my date!"

"Okay, okay. first of all, Ian, you're already on a date with her. You do not need to throw any pick-up lines her way, okay? And if you do, make sure they aren't related to farts...or sex. Actually just don't use the pick-up lines. Act like yourself. You don't want her falling for someone you're not."

"Yeah, yeah okay." 

"Good. Now breathe."

Ian inhaled and exhaled, inhaled and exhaled, "Crap she's back! I'm calling you after this thing's over!"

"Okay! No pick-up lines! Have fun! Also, no sex!"

He hung up, and I allowed myself to laugh some more. Honestly, what had he been thinking? He'd finally managed to take Violet on a date and the first thing he says as they sit down is that ridiculous fart-related pick-up line. 

I chuckled to myself, then called the half of another couple I knew had finally managed a date. They should be done by now. 

"Hey Aubrey."

"How'd it go?"

"Shane's just dropping me home."

"I wanna talk to him!"

"Will you stop ruining our date?"

"It's over!"

"Not yet!"

"Is he gonna kiss you goodbye?"

"Bye, Aubrey."

She hung up on me, too. Well, okay then. If everyone just wants to be dating and leaving me here, being a single potato, then fine. I sat there, on my bed, wondering who to call, because I was bored. It was a Monday evening and we had school off on Tuesday, because some students decided it was time to play a prank and flooded the whole school. Obviously, it was epic, and they didn't get caught, either. I still wonder, though, how they managed to flood the whole school. Anyways, since we had the day off tomorrow, everyone was on a date. I didn't want to call Jaden because he was going to come over in sometime anyways, probably with Allie and Jules and Mia. So there I sat, feeling like the singlest single loner there ever was. A minute passed, then five, then ten, and still I sat, phone in hand. 

And that was when my blessed mother yelled from downstairs. We do a lot of yelling in this house. Because the walls are thick. Also, everyone's just very, very lazy. "Aubrey! The cutest thing ever is here to see you! It's accompanied by the most good-looking couple of all time!"