Premonitions | ✓

thirty-five

"San Diego" -The Cautious

After their honeymoon, Lars had a sit-down with his wife, having a long and dreadful discussion with her. 

     As her husband, it was his job to look after her now. 

     He knew how independent and strong-willed his woman was, but she sometimes needed the help.

     They had sat down for dinner when he brought up her mental health, quickly the food was forgotten and Anna was ready to throw up. 

     He didn't know why they hadn't fully talked about it before, but he needed to understand. He wanted to be there for Anna in every possible way, even if it was scary and ugly.

     "When was the last time you were on medication?" He had carefully asked her.

      His wife scoffed down at her Caprese salad, flicking around the lettuce with her fork, "Who knows honestly. You've seen my medicine cabinet, Lars. Everything in there is expired, half-finished, or both."

      "Anna..." He groaned.

     She avoided eye contact, "Well, what would like me to say? That I hate being on medication because I feel absolutely nothing? When I'm off them, I feel everything. There is no healthy middle. It's either robot asshole me or funny asshole me. Choose your character!"

     Lars smiled down at his grilled chicken before raising his eyebrows, she had a point. 

     He's had to deal with robot Anna for two months once when she was still in school. She was on a high dosage of a well-known antidepressant, meaning her resting bitch face was the only thing you saw, along with her ridged back, and scary silence.

     "You're starting to scare me, Anna. I don't want to lose you. Not when I just got you."

     Anna let out a long sigh. She wanted to tell him that he would never lose her, that she would never leave him, but deep down, she knew it was a lie. Every day, the feeling, the itch, got worse. Lars was able to distract her for long periods of time, but then there were those little moments that felt like a prick to the skin, trying to wake her up and remind her that she was a ticking time bomb.

     The only thing she could say was a whispered, "I'm sorry."

     They didn't talk about it again. 

     The beefy Swed even thought she was getting better when she didn't have any episodes but she explained to him that just because she wasn't drinking herself into a stupor, sobbing until she couldn't breathe, or staring off into space, it didn't mean the devil left her. It was always there and always was going to be.

     A few nights before their road trip to San Diego, they had gotten into another fight. Lars brought up how he felt like Anna was only keeping him around, so she had supervision, how he was like a nurse that would come in and check on her.

     Anna went into hysterics after that. She begged him not to leave her. 

     That she was sorry, she made him feel that way, and that she would try her hardest to be happier. She had dropped down to her knees, and when she grabbed onto his pant leg, he crumbled.

     Lars had instantly regretted everything he said the moment he said it, but when Anna dropped down into a heap on the floor of their living room, he had lost all composure, bringing her into his chest to calm her down. He didn't know why he was acting the way he was. That would have been the second time he had caused one of her episodes, or so he thought.