Love Me

Chapter 41

I'm finally home, well.....at Ashton's house. I still can't stand to look at myself in the mirror, parts of my face is still swollen and a nasty blackish purple color from the bruising, other parts are an ugly yellow color.

I made an appointment with a therapist, i'm really struggling with my emotions. I go from feeling like everything is my fault, to being so angry i can't see straight, and i don't know how to deal with everything. I'm still having nightmares from the attack, and i'm always shaky.

Colby was sent to a prison type institution. He's getting the help he needs, but he's still being arrested for assault and has to spend his sentence time in the institution and even once that's done they won't release him until they think he's ready and won't be a harm to himself or anyone else.

I have a therapy session today, so i'm dressed in a white tank top with a light blue denim jacket, and white skinny jeans with white KEDS sneakers. My hair is straight, and i don't have any make up on because my face is still sore so i don't want to irritate it more by rubbing stuff all over it and beating it with sponges and brushes.

I stopped by Starbucks to get an iced caramel macchiato before heading to my appointment. I kept my gaze firmly pinned to the ground, i hate the looks i always get. I'm not able to cover my face with make up yet which sucks.

I hate all the pity and horror filled looks i get when people see my face. I hate the points and whispers i get, they act like i can't see them or something. It's really making me self conscious.

-At Therapy Appointment-

"So why do you think you're so desperate to get Colby help? After everything he's done to you...Why do you still want to help him?" My therapist Amy asked looking at me as she held a pen to a pad of paper.

"I'm a nurse, i help people, it's what i do. It's just my nature, i want to help everyone." I explained with a shrug.

"Even the ones that don't deserve it?" She questioned with her eyebrow raised.

"Yes... It's not my place to judge, it's my place to help." I commented.

"Do you see yourself forgiving and getting back together with Colby?" She asked curiously.

"No, absolutely not. I want him to get help, i want him to eventually to be okay, and to finally be happy. But that doesn't mean that i want him back, it doesn't mean that i'm going to be his best friend. I don't want him back, i want him to be okay. This is how i see it....If he was thrown in jail, he'd be off the streets...But then when he gets out he'll be free and he wouldn't have gotten the help he needed so he's just going to continue being a harm to himself and other people. If he gets the help he needs he can be put on medication, he can learn about his illness and how to deal with them, he can learn to live with it happily, while not hurting himself or anyone else." I explained my thought process on why i didn't send him to jail and demanded they send him somewhere that he will get the help he needs.

"Do you feel guilty, about everything that happened? Is that what is motivating your need to save him? Do you think that it's your fault?" She continued firing questions at me. I bit my lip and looked down at my hands that were folded in my lap.

"I do... He was fine when i met him, he didn't show any signs that anything was wrong. Then he slowly started going downhill and when i left him the second time and refused to get back with him he got worse and worse. And when i got with Ashton it's like the last piece of sanity he had just snapped." I shook my head sadly.

"You do know you can't save everyone right? You can help and help them but sometimes people just can't change." She said softly.

"I know... That's why i can't do it anymore. This is my last attempt, if it doesn't work, then at least i can say i tried one last time. I mean it when i say i'm done, i want nothing to do with him, i never want to see him again. I'm getting a restraining order against him, and i'm going for full custody. It's time i move on with my life. I deserve to be happy, and Ashton makes me happy, and he's so great with my daughter." I smiled softly at the thought of them.

We continued on with our session and she gave me some exercises to do when i start getting anxious or when i have nightmares about what happened. I left her office and drove back to Ashton's house. I walked inside and didn't see them anywhere. I walked up to Ashton's room and saw them both sleeping on the bed, Lily laying on Ashton's chest.

I smiled at them and quickly snapped a picture, then kicked off my shoes and climbed into bed beside them. I curled up against them and wrapped my arm over Lily and closed my eyes.

This is my happy place. Right here with my two favorite people in the whole world. They make me happy, they make me feel like everything is going to be okay, i love them both so much. And the fact that i can admit to myself that i actually love Ashton scares the hell out of me. It's too early for the L word isn't it? I know it is, but i can't help but to feel so much love for him. Everything he does for me, for my daughter, how much he cares about us and takes care of us. I can't help it.

I love Ashton, and i just hope like hell i don't get burned this time...

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