Azula Flickering Hope

Red

WARNING SELF HARM IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE OR TRIGGERED DO NOT READ FORWARD LOVE YOU

I discovered something, I don't think it's good, well I know it's not good because I could never show anyone else but it makes me feel better

Every time things get to much or that heavy feeling in my chest returns along with my mother's whispers I take the longest shattered peice of glass and drag it across my leg in a perfect straight line

At first I had done it on impulse when my mother wouldn't leave me alone she just kept talking and I wanted silence.

I regretted doing it i remember my shaking hand throwing the shard across the room and barading myself for doing something so reckless and stupid.

But it did work and she stopped for a while even when I looked in the mirror in the bathroom to wash of the blood she wasn't there.

So I went back to it enjoying my little moments of quiet away from her and everything else.

The blood trickled down my leg and I had to be very careful not to make a mess or the nurses would notice

I took one of the sanitary pads and dabbed at the blood so I wouldn't stain the sheets or the floor.

I made the mistake of cutting to deep once and I couldn't control the bleeding and some dripped onto my bed

I scattered to clean it up but I was to late and there was no place to hide the sheets

I blamed it on my time of the month when the nurse went to change them she smiled and came back with these pads that have been helpful for more then one reason now.

I don't think it's healthy but it makes me feel better so that's good enough for now

The blood looked beautiful going down my skin the very royal blood of many fire nation rulers the red of my nation and pride.

each slice was punishment and a reward it was hard to tell which one it was in the moment sometimes I just did it out of boredom tired of being trapped in a room all day then leaving for lunch going back to my room talking to amasi and then falling asleep.

It gets so repetitive and sometimes it feels like it's not even real I look at myself and I can't even recognize the person I've become

This place is not where I should be this is not how I should look and this is definitely not how I should be feeling

Weak

Pathetic

Hated

And Hopeless

The stinging caused my throat to tighten but in the moment before everything went clear nothing was wrong there was only the pain that was manageable.

I had to hide the Mirror shards inside the flooring panel that popped open

I returned the rest of the shards to  Amasi a while ago so she wouldn't be suspicious she apologized over and over about her mistake.

wasn't to terrible of mistake if I'm benefitting from it

The lines were short on my legs I needed to leave room  but each were even and perfectly aligned.

I bled let it scar and restarted the process over and over this went from far we passed winter and started spring

And ever since that party i haven't had another visitor I didn't expect or want them but not seeing the Avatar was surprising he had always been so stubborn foolish but relentless in trying to change me.