Azula Flickering Hope

Distinguishers

Azula POV

I get this feeling sometimes I don't know if anyone else gets it or if it's normal, but it feels like someones laying bricks on my chest my heart feels like it's burning up like iron being heated in a furnace.

I can feel my breath getting pulled from me and my thoughts feel blurry and unfocused I feel completely out of control. sometimes they last only a few seconds and sometimes they build up slowly for hours until I'm chained down and burned out.

The day Zuko defeated me I don't like thinking about it. I felt so lost and scared and angry after looseing everything and everyone.

I had no idea if my father was still alive and I to make it worse I was bested by that stupid pestering water tribe girl.

I fought against those chains for hours until my wrists were bruised and I had run out of tears to cry. I was so angry that I kept fighting long after the fight was over because I couldn't let myself give up. If looseing wasn't bad enough giveing up and letting them pity me was beyond torture.

Eventually My voice gave out and I couldn't bring my self to fight anymore I dislocated my shoulder pulling against thoses chains. I layed down defeated and at the lowest point of my life.

Then they brought me to the hospital but even there wasn't far enough to escape the sounds of cheering and fireworks as the world celebrated my defeat.

I can't predict when these happen but I could feel them building up whenever I walked into the throne room or if I was stirring in bed at night and the thought of my mother returned to me.

I felt them in small glances in the mirror I could push past them before but there was always small whispers.

I never told anyone of course they'd think I was crazy

Sometimes they physically hurt but most of the time it's just the panic. Whatevers bothering me or whatever happened runs through my head over and over on a loop.

No matter how many distractions I try and give myself it doesn't go away the feeling persists until it's resolved.

When I felt this way as a child I would simply train keep my body moveing until the feeling went away.

When I was in the hospital cutting helped not permanently but for a moments the worrying stopped.

It's much worse now

My head was buzzing with thoughts I couldn't contain if I made the right choice would they kill me right here. Would I ever see Kumara again.

I shouldn't feel guilty I did what I had to do but Kumara looked so disgusted by me. why do I care what she thinks about me why can't I just- be normal

I geuss whether I like it or not we were getting closer I wouldn't go as far to say freinds but at least I felt like I could trust her.

It's been a day and a half since the fight in the garden and now I'm with the assassins they call them selves the distinguishers.

Mirai is calculating and I dont like sleeping when I know she's awake and thinking.
The other two from what I've learned are Shoku the fire nation gentleman with the sword and Tulok the water tribesman who poisoned three fourths of my remaining family.

They didn't talk very much maybe I was getting used to my old group but with them it was almost always silent unless they were discussing plans to move forward.

when they didn't want me to know certain things they would speak in code I think they know I know there speaking in code but I can catch there glances at me from afar when they spoke that way.