Dear Isadora

Letter 15: Freedom At Last?

September 8th, 2011

Dear Isadora,

I'm finally free... I've been discharged from the mental institution and I'm in bed, rethinking my life choices.

I haven't gone to school in two weeks. They probably forgot my existence already. Although somehow, I don't care, because October 1st is my confirmed suicide date and nobody can stop me, nobody.

As if they wanted to stop me.

They all want me dead. I bet if I showed up to school tomorrow, they would all do the routine thing they have been doing for a month now.

I can't wait until the pain is over.

But I feel like the minute I step into school grounds, that would never be the case...

I can still hear the insults ingrained into my brain...

I can still hear the laughter as I'm on the floor, weak and helpless...

I can still hear the sobs that happen whenever I get home from hell...

I haven't checked my weight in two weeks... This could be fun... As I haven't eaten anything in 5 days.

126...

I lost...

34 pounds...

In three weeks...

Why is it not enough? Why do I want to lose more? I look in the mirror and I see a sick and dying boy... I look past my insecurities and see a hurt and troubled boy who truly doesn't want to die but the world and pain he experiences want him to.

Life is so unfair without you... I know I keep saying it but it's true. Life hasn't been the same, obviously if you could tell... I've changed for the worse.

I hate it as much as you do. I wish you were here, Isadora... If you were here, you would make life so much more worth living... But as my fantasies will remain fantasies, you will never come back.

I miss you so much, Isadora...

I really do.