Dear Isadora

Letter 18: How Very Unfortunate

September 21st, 2011

Dear Isadora,

Is it bad that I forgot to ask for the girl's name and number? I lost my virginity to someone I most likely will never see again. Aren't I just a smart cookie?

The realization is kicking in...

I have (or had?) a crush on a male but I had sex with a woman... I don't even know her age either... And now I'm conflicted... Am I gay or straight?

I guess that doesn't matter anymore.

I'm still a freak no matter what I do...

At least I won't die a virgin... That's scratched off my bucket list. The next thing on my list is to... Be loved? Yeah, that'll never happen. Let me just erase that real quick.

10 more days.

Feels like an eternity...

Especially since the children at school found my social media... Now I can't even have a phone either...

What can I have?

Nothing.

I spend the rest of my days laying in bed, crying and having the words playing in my brain over and over again like a broken record, while my phone is on silent across the room, which hasn't been charged in 3 days.

How does the universe expect me to live when there are obstacles that test my limits?

I just want to die already. The suicide hotline wouldn't do shit anyways... As if I have the patience to listen to someone's bullshit. To someone's lies.

Life would never get better, I just know it wouldn't and thanks to you and my stupidity, it's impossible for anything to get better as I'm constantly getting harassed daily.

I have so many scars... scars from stab wounds, self-harm scars, getting pushed into a boiling pot in the cafeteria, bruises everywhere... I'm just everyone's punching bag... But little did they know, that everything breaks eventually. And I am already broken.

I'm not going to be anyone's punching bag anymore. Wanna know why?

Because I'd be dead by that time.