Dear Isadora

Letter 5: Non-stop Pain

July 13th, 2011

Dear Isadora,

I seriously cannot stop this self-harming addiction... It just feels so good I don't know what to do anymore.

Mom found the other blade and threw it out. I promised myself I would go in that room once a month but I needed that sweet sweet release of pain...

I know what you're thinking; why couldn't you just bring the entire box into the room with me and hide it under the bed?

I don't want my mother to find out about the blades... So I just grab them one by one. There are roughly 10 blades left and I surely hope I never run out of them. Because I don't know what I would do without the only effective coping mechanism.

Drugs and alcohol are other coping mechanisms that help. I went from marijuana to heroin... Which I know is a very bad thing... But I don't care. It takes me to my happy place and that happy place comes on a rare occasion.

It's funny how much shit can come from a selfish action... I suffer from so many addictions because you think I wouldn't care that you fucking died.

I'm only fourteen, Isadora. This isn't fair! Why did you have to do this to me? Why...?

I know I was a shitty brother and an easy target but I did absolutely nothing for you to just leave me behind just like that...

To leave me drowning with so many addictions and so much pain...

How could you, Isadora?

I still want to hate you...

I want to hate you so bad...

But after all, this is my fault...

So I just can't... It's impossible...

You're my older sister...

You've watched me grow up. You took care of me... I can't hate you no matter how hard I try...

But do you wanna know who I truly despise?

Myself...

I hate myself more than anyone could ever imagine. I DID THIS TO MYSELF!

And I'm blaming my amazing sister...

For something that I did...

I am a horrible person...

I'm so sorry...