ZINA (BWWM)

Prologue

All my life I felt alone. I felt like the only person I can depend on is myself. You see the thing is from an early age I felt this gaping emptiness inside me. I was hollowed. No matter how much love I was shown I couldn't absorb it.
 
Growing up I wasn't taught to love. My mother left me with my 'father' when I was maybe eight or nine years old. She didn't want me after a while I suppose. I don't actually know if that's the reason she abandoned me. One day she came and told me to pack my stuff.
 
Without explaining why. She must have gotten tired of raising a depressed anxiety-ridden child. I wouldn't go outside with her when she wanted me to. I didn't smile at her or say I love you. It's not that I didn't love her, I did. I just didn't know how to show it.
 
How does one show something they couldn't feel? Something they didn't understand. My mother showed me love but I couldn't feel it in my body. I couldn't grasp it in my heart. How does one describe feeling warm inside? The fuzzy feeling of love towards another. 
My heart doesn't conceptualize these feelings.
 
I didn't know it at the time but I'm different. Maybe there's something wrong with my brain. A chemical imbalance or something. Maybe I was dropped on the head as a baby. Maybe I was irrevocable messed up beyond repair. 
 
As I was explaining one day my mom told me to pack my things. I did then my stuff was brought to her small pre-owned car. I had never been traveling before. My child mind assume we were going on vacation. I didn't realize only my suitcase was loaded away.
 
She drove along a unfamiliar road. I sat in the back staring out the window. I didn't question anything. I didn't care to wonder where we were going. Soon the gray sky coupled with the light pitter-patter of rain on the roof lulled me to sleep.
 
I woke up to the door opening. Without being told I came out and looked around. We were parked in front of an unfamiliar wooden house. She's already taken out my luggage from the trunk. The rain has stopped. She held it and walked up the steps. I follow behind in silence. I look around the surroundings taking it in. There is a lot of trees in the yard. Some bore fruits of some kind.
 
The yard is well kept and the grass cut neatly. Whoever the place belonged to is a neat freak. Mom drops the suitcase and rang the doorbell. A tall dark skin man, way taller than either of us opens the door. He stared down at my mother and then his eyes, equally dark fell on me. He seemed to know us.
 
"What are you doing here?"
 
His voice had a deepness. It sounded like he's experienced a lifetime of darkness that created it's particular tone. He didn't look happy to see my mom or me. Mom wasn't fazed by his attitude.
 
"She's yours. I can't keep her anymore."
 
What?
 
You'd think hearing my mom admit to not wanting me, make me feel sad but I didn't feel a thing. I already knew how she felt about me. Over time I grew to accept one day she'd get rid of me for good. Guess today was the day I'd be tossed to the side like a used piece of gum.
 
"That's not my problem. She's your child." He argues.
 
Neither one of them wanted me apparently. I was the child nobody wanted.
 
"Well, she's not coming back with me so you have to take her. She's yours too."
 
"Oh, now she's my child. I know you're lying. She's not mine, you cheated remember. I'm not even sure I'm the father."
 
"Well, you'll have to take her. I don't want her. She shouldn't have been born. Wasted nine months of my life."
 
Mom started walking back to her car. I stood there watching her. My worst nightmare was coming through. The car drove away. He looked in the direction then back at me.
 
"You can't stay here. You need to go before I call the police."
 
I have nowhere to go. I don't have any family aunts, uncles, grandparents who I can run to. I've never met any of them. I don't know even know if this man was really my father. I stand there looking at him.
 
"If you don't leave I'm calling the cops."
 
I didn't move an inch. He got out his phone dialing 9-1-1. That day my life changed in so many ways. Ways I would never imagine. I became an orphan. I didn't know it then, but that day was the start of everything. 
 
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