ZINA (BWWM)

Chapter Ten

If someone were to ask me what happen after I realized Zina's feelings, I wouldn't know what to say. The rest of the day spent at King Enterprise is a blur. I don't remember what I did from what I didn't do. I keep thinking about Zina, about her liking me. How I didn't see what was right in front me? What am I supposed to do about this revelation? I don't see her that way. 
 
Does it even matter that she likes me? Yes. I have to be more cautious around her. I can't do anything that will make her think there's a chance we can be together. It will never happen. My role is her father figure and it that's it.
 
But I can't ignore her feelings. That could make things worst. I have to make it clear to Zina I don't see her romantically. Even if it breaks her heart. It will hurt but over time she'll move on. She has to. I'm a 35-year-old man, she's 17. Even if she's old enough to give consent, I could be her father. It would be like sleeping with my child. 
 
On the drive home I'm as quiet as Richard. If not quieter. He asks how I'm doing. "Are you alright Mathias?" 
 
"Yeah, I have a lot on my mind." 
 
Richard nods and we go back to the quiet. I thought of ways to explain it to Zina why we can't be together. I don't want to get out when we arrive. I know I can't run from this. The longer I delay the harder it will be to give her the bad news. 
 
When I walk inside the place is quiet. There is no sight of Seline or Zina. It's around five-forty five. I ended earlier. The weekend is right around the corner. I wish it tomorrow is Monday. That way the awkward conversation would have happened. 
 
I head upstairs to my room to change into comfortable clothes. Then I breathe in and exhale out. Trying to relax for what I'm sure will be a weird moment between us. Here goes nothing. You can do this. 
 
Breathe in, breathe out. I mentally prepare as I venture down the hall to Zina's room. I stand in front the door almost sweating like I'm walking into hell.  
 
Knocking so soft you'd think its a feather tapping the doo. I knock again louder this time. I hear nothing on the other side. Should I go in? Maybe she's busy. I can come...
 
Instead of wandering off like a coward I slowly open the door. The lights are off in the room but I'm able to see from the light coming through the window. I enter and close the door behind me. Drawing closer I see Zina covered laying on her side. She's facing me deep in slumber. 
 
Her small hands tucked under her face. She lets out soft blows of air as she breathes in and out. I stand there like a creep watching her face. Taking in her eyelashes, so long they brush her cheeks. Her button nose naturally pouted lips, and long locs sprayed out like a halo over the pillow. There is no denying Zina is breathtaking. She's beautiful.
 
 
If I were ten years younger I might jump for joy that she's interested in me. I'd be invigorated by the idea of being with her but I'm not 25 now am I. I can't let myself imagine what it would be like between us. Leaning down I kiss her forehead. Pulling the covers up around her, I stare one last time before exiting. 
 
 
I'll talk to her tomorrow. One day won't make a huge difference. I wonder where is Seline. She must of went home early too. I go to my room and take a shower. Underneath the warm spray of the water, I standstill. The water runs down my face into my eyes as I hold the wall. I stay like this for a while before finishing up.
 
Out of the shower, I dry off then go to the closet for some sleep clothes. After the day I had, I could use a good night's sleep too. I dress in just a pair of ash grey silk pajama pants without anything else. I get hot at night so I never wear a top to bed. I shut off the lights first before getting in. 
 
Laying on my back staring at the ceiling. I feel sleepy but there's so much on my mind it won't shut off. Just keeps going back to Zina. I don't know what I'm gonna say to her tomorrow. 
 
It seems like forever but finally, my eyes start to close. In the background, I hear my door open. She comes in without putting on the lights. I feel the bed sink underneath her weight as she she's in. Her small body scoots closer. She wraps an arm around my waist. Her head on my chest. 
 
 
"Zina you can't sleep here. You have to go back to your room." 
 
Zina just presses herself more into me. Angling her face under my neck. The cool wisp of her breathe tickles my skin. What is she doing? 
 
"Zina." 
 
"Please let me stay."
 
"Zina," I growl. She can't sleep here. 
 
"Please Mathias. Just this once. Only once I promise." 
 
She pleads. I hear desperation and longing. She's not making this easy for me. It wouldn't hurt, would it? Nothing is going to change. I'll tell her tomorrow how I feel. 
 
"Okay, just this once. Go back to sleep." 
 
"Okay. Good night." 
 
With that, she settles beside me, in a comfortable position. The sleepiness evaporates as I sense her lulling to sleep. I lay awake for a while after, her breathing evens out. What am I going to do with her? 
 
 
Zina sleeps peacefully while I'm unable to fall under. I'm afraid this might send the wrong message. I don't want to hurt her. I have to remain strong for both of us. Soon my thoughts still, sleep finally greets me. I gladly say hello.
....
 
Something is poking me. I wake with this thought. I don't immediately open my eyes. Just revel in the fact I slept next to Mathias. His long arms wrapped around me. Our limbs somehow through the night intertwined. I can smell his scent from his sheets and it makes me dizzy. 
 
I roll over to face him. He's laying on his side towards me. Eyes closed, mouth slightly open. My eyes soak in his strong jaw, straight pointed nose, pink mouth, and bronzed skin. Mathias is a work of art. The few tendrils of his shiny dark hair falling without care into his face. Everything about him enchants me. 
 
He has no idea how just the mere thought of him makes me shiver. Makes my heart sore, my breathing quake, and my body come alive. I know there's hope now, but I still feel like it's a losing game. 
 
I feel his hold tighten and I can't help but wish he was awake while doing so. I reach out for the lock of hair moving it out his face. At the touch of our skin, his fervid brown eyes open. Mathias fixes them on me. He inspects my face.
 
"Good morning," I mutter. 
 
"Morning little one." 
 
We go back to silence. Mathias untwines our limbs and sits up. I remain gazing up at him. 
 
"There's something I have to tell you." 
 
"Okay." 
 
Now I sit up too. From the tone of his voice, I assume it isn't something I want to hear.
 
"Seline told me something yesterday. She thinks you like me. Is that true?" 
 
Oh, that's not what I was expecting. How did she figure out it was him? Do I lie, should I admit it? Now is my chance, but what If he tells me we can't be together. I don't know if I can bear him saying so. 
 
"Is it true?" Mathias interrupts my scrambled thoughts.
 
"Umm. It is. I like you." 
 
I nearly choke once I finish. Breathe Zina. You can't die without hearing how he feels. 
 
"I'm sorry to tell you but I don't see you in that way. It's never going to happen. I hope you can move on." 
 
No. No. No.
 
Mathias. My eyes swell up with tears. The first drop falls as his words swirl around in my head. "I don't see you in that way." I silently cry not letting out a peep, clutching my chest. My heart feels like it's hammered into pieces.
 
"Please don't cry. I know it hurts but it will be okay. You'll get over this. Don't cry little one."
 
Mathias tries to hug me but I move back evading him. His eyes widen but I look away. Pulling the sheets off me I get up running to my room. I hear him follow. When I step in I slam the door falling to the floor, my back against it. That's when the earth-shattering screams escape as I cry like I never cried before. I scream out balling clutching my knees. 
 
It literally feels like I'm going to die. Like I will fall apart into a broken mess, and I am. As I sit there crying for a man who will never love me the way I want him to. In the midst of my tears, I hear him on the other side calling my name. 
 
"Zina. Zina. Zina. Please open the door. Zina. Zina." 
 
I blank out after that. I feel myself submerging into darkness as my world collapses around me.