ZINA (BWWM)

Chapter Eleven

Eventually, Mathias leaves me alone. I sit on the floor numb. My tears all cried out. I wipe my eyes still blurry. Somehow I'm able to get into bed. I make sure my door is locked first. I don't want to see him. It will only make it worst. 
 
Under the covers, I curl up into fetal position. My heart aches my throat sore from the screaming. When I was starving to death in that dark room, I didn't hurt as much as I do now. How is that? Maybe its because emotional pain is worse than physical pain. I would rather starve any day than feel like this. That's how much it hurts.
 
I lay there begging for sleep. Sleep will take the pain away. When I'm asleep nothing can hurt me, I won't feel it. One of his rules was to tell him when I'm in pain. I am and he's the cause. 
 
I fall asleep an hour later. Maybe when I wake it will all be a dream. Me waking up it that dark room. Who am I kidding? 
....
 
Mathias is in his room. He sat on the bed holding his head. Having a massive headache. Some coffee would be great. Zina took it so hard. I hate seeing her in pain. She doesn't deserve that. She's had enough to last a lifetime. Her screams shook me as I listen to her. I can still hear them even now. 
 
She sounds like her entire world was falling apart. I'm responsible for that. Can we get past this? I don't know. Mathias reaches for his phone. Scrolling through his contacts to find his best friend's number. I need some advice and he's the only person I can talk to about this.
 
"Hello, Mathias." 
 
"Hey man, I need some advice."
 
Nick gasped. 
 
"The all-wise Mathias King is coming to me for advice. This must be serious. I'm all ears."
 
"Remember the girl I bought at that auction. Her name is Zina, she's 17. I found out she likes me, like really likes me but I don't. I told her and it didn't go so well. What do I do Nick?" 
 
"Why don't you like her?" 
 
"Nick you didn't hear what I just said? She's 17 I'm old enough to be her father." 
 
"And that's a problem because." 
 
Are you kidding me right now? 
 
"I'm 18 years older than her. Plus I'm her father figure." 
 
"So you don't like her because of the age-gap." 
 
"Yeah. I think of her like my adoptive child. It'd be weird if liked her." 
 
Nick paused. This isn't flowing the way I perceived. I thought he would defend my point about our age difference. But it almost sounds like he doesn't think it's a big deal. 
 
"Can I ask you something?" 
 
"Yeah." 
 
"Hypothetically if Zina weren't 17 would you be open to the idea." 
 
"I don't know." 
 
"Okay what about if she was let's say in her twenties, would you consider her then."
 
"I don't know maybe. What's your point?" 
 
"Do you think she's attractive?"
 
"Yeah. She's beautiful but so what." 
 
"I think that's the point. If she were older you'd be interested because you at least find her attractive. She's 17 that's the age of consent."
 
I don't like where this is going. Here we go again with the 'age of consent.'
 
"Mathias age is just a number. You shouldn't think about the number, think about the person. I know you and I know you're not being honest with yourself. When you first saw Zina you didn't know her age, all you knew is what you saw. I saw the way you looked at her like you were under a spell. I mean you didn't plan to but you pics for her. I think there's already something there. You want her but you won't allow yourself to admit it because of her age."
 
"Nick what the fuck are you saying." 
 
I can't believe him. 
 
"I'm saying do you want to possibly lose the one person you've ever desired by letting fear win. That's what I'm saying. Zina is 17 now but she won't be 17 forever. One day she'll be able to survive on her own and will walk away. When that time comes do you want to regret not giving her a chance." 
 
I'm literally stunned by this. I have no rebuttal. 
 
"Okay since you're so quiet I guess I made a good point. I have to go. Call me if you need more advice." 
 
"Bye." 
 
That's all I get in before he hangs up. Maybe he wasn't the right person to call. I don't want her. I want to take care of her. He doesn't know what he's talking about. Even while I think this his words play in my head "do you want to regret not giving her a chance?" 
 
Stop thinking about it. I don't want her. I DON'T want her. I sound like I'm trying to convince myself. Nick put all these thoughts in my head and now I feel like I'm going crazy. I need to see her. I head to her room finding the door locked. Good thing I have keys to the bedrooms. 
 
I get the keys then come back. I unlock the door and open it. Zina is in bed. When I go closer I see she's wrapped up, curled into a ball. Her tiny body looks so fragile and broken. She's asleep but so tense like she's having a nightmare. I watch her wanting to touch her face. 
 
I'm the one person who shouldn't hurt her but I did. Why couldn't everything be easier? Why couldn't she be older? I didn't just ask that. I'd be interested if she was older. But she's not. I don't want her. I don't... want her. I don't want... I sound like a broken record. Zina shifts in her sleep. I watch her wanting to wake her and tell her everything will be okay. She may not want to see me now. 
 
Let's go.
 
I head back to my room, to lie down. It's around ten in the morning. Seline will be coming soon. She going to notice the awkwardness immediately. I wonder what she would say if I told her about everything. 
 
Even though its Saturday I sit in my office doing work. Avoiding Zina because I don't know what else to do. I know she's finally woke up and left her room. I can hear her and Seline interacting downstairs. 
....
 
"Seline, can I ask you something?" 
 
Seline is dusting in the living room. She stopped what she's doing and comes over. Seline sits and turns to me. Her dark brown eyes look weary. It's the first thing I've said besides a greeting all day. I think she was worried I stopped speaking again. I didn't but I don't have much to say today. I feel too sad to talk.
 
"Of course," Seline utters. 
 
Here goes. It's something that's been burning in my mind since Mathias told me how he feels. 
 
"Do you think its wrong that I like Mathias?" 
 
Seline shook from my question. I need to know. 
 
"Love is neva a bad ting. Love is good. Yuh loving him isn't wrong. How wen love brings amazing tings into di world." 
 
"Okay. But what about him being older." 
 
Seline scoots closer taking both my hands. She holds them and stares into my eyes. I see only genuineness at her next words. 
 
"Yes, he's older but so what. Yuh nuh love him fi age  yuh love him fa him and di person he is. Listen mi know some ting happen between unuh. Mathias nuh left di office all day an a Saturday. Mi know yuh eart a break but yuh will be okay. Yuh di strongest person mi know. Di longest day must come to an end. Come here."
 
Seline embraces me in an almost motherly way. She rubs my back and squeezes me tight. A lone tear falls from the emotions it gives me. I haven't received a hug like this in a long time. 
 
"Every ting will be all right. Mi have a feeling he like yuh to. He'll come roun. Be patient." 
 
"Okay. Thank you, Seline." My voice sounds so shaky. 
 
I pull away and she wipes my face before going back to cleaning. I go back to reading Crave. Mathias still hasn't shown me the fault in our stars movie. He probably will never, after what happened. He's been cooped upstairs in his office all day. I thought the weekends is when people take a break from work. I know he's only doing it to avoid me. 
 
I should barge in there and demand he shows me the movie. He promised after I finish reading the book, he would. Should I? It can't make things any worse. 
 
With some bit of strength, I leave my comfortable spot on the sofa and go upstairs. I'm not even sure where Mathias's office is. But I'll open every door if I have to. I start at the end of the hall first with the door next to his room. It's not its some kind of entertainment room. Next, I open the door down from that. It's not it either. Just another bedroom. Ugh. Where is it? 
 
I could just ask Seline. I go back down and ask her. She tells me before going back to her duties. Now she's changing all the curtains. It's the second door on the opposite side. Now that I know where it is trepidation starts setting in. My hands begin sweating, my ankles shaking, my heart racing in my chest. 
 
You can do this Zina. You can do this. My mantra as I pull open the door. Inside is a modern office with dark wood furniture, a small library, and a sitting area on the right. There are big wide windows that let in plenty of light and relaxing art pieces all over the walls. I step in and see Mathai's busy typing away on his computer. His desk across from the sitting area. 
 
He looks up when I close the door. Mathias seems surprised to see that it's me. I go closer holding my fist. He's going to listen to me. He said what be had to say now it's my turn. 
 
I sit in front his desk. Mathias's attention is on the screen. He won't even look at me. 
 
"Look at me. Look at me!" 
 
Mathias's head wipes around do fast. I swallow my spit getting ready to say what's on my mind. 
 
"I know you don't feel the same but that doesn't mean you can avoid me like I have a virus. I don't care if you don't like me, that's fine. I'm going to still love you either way. I came to ask you to show me the movie." 
 
"Are you trying to make things hard on me. Seline can show you the movie. Ask her to set it up on the TV. I have work to do." 
 
"I didn't ask Seline. I'm asking you. I'm pretty sure you can work later."
 
Mathias starts typing again. I'm so mad. He's so difficult. I get up going around then press the power button.
 
"Why did you do that?" 
 
Mathias sounds as annoyed as I feel but at least I have his attention. I go closer standing next to him. My hands crawl through his thick soft hair. I lean in so our eyes are meeting. 
 
"I. Want. To. Watch. The. Movie. Now." 
 
Mathias tenses up. His eyes dilating, the brown disappearing into the black.
 
"You're really pushing my nerves. I might have lost hours worth of my work." 
 
"I don't care. Movie." 
 
My hands move from his hair to hold his face. Even when he's driving me insane I want to kiss him. Touch him, do other things I'm don't know about with him. He consumes me and he doesn't know it. He pulls my hands away and picks me up putting my button on the keyboard.
 
"Is this what you want?" 
 
"Yes."
 
My breathing quickens. That slippery feeling coming between my legs. What is it? It feels amazing when I press my thighs together. Mathias holds my legs stopping me from doing so. He stands up to his full height. Towering over me. I peer up my cheeks redden. 
 
My breast feeling sore. What is happening? I've never felt like this before. Mathias watches me and I can't help but lick my lips at the ravenous look in his eyes. I can see it now. He wants me. He won't admit it because of our age difference. Well, I don't care I want him too. 
 
Reaching up I pull his shirt so he's forced to bend down. When his face is a few centimeters from mine. I say just what I needed to get him moving.
 
"If you don't show me the movie, I'll kiss you. It's your choice. Movie or a kiss." 
 
Mathias's eyes set on my lips. His eyebrow furrowing then suddenly he puts me down to the floor. 
 
"I'll ask Seline to make us popcorn."
 
He takes my hand leading us out his office. The most manipulative smirk graces my face as I realize something. I'm right.  He wants me. Maybe with a little push he'll give in.