𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙮'𝙨 𝙢𝙚𝙢𝙚𝙣𝙩𝙤: 10 | 𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙮𝙨𝙘𝙧𝙞𝙗𝙨

❝ punishment ❞

today, i've been reading the chapter on learning in my psych book.

the chapter delves into the 3 basic ways of learning that can apply to both human and other animal behavior: classical conditioning, operant conditioning, and observational learning.

while reading it, i came to the realization that one of the things that made my childhood shitty and kickstarted my toxicity was that all of my parents relied on negative punishment.

it's been proven that positive and negative reinforcement tend to be more effective than punishment.

whenever i did something my parents didn't like, it usually ended up with me getting something taken away from me, so i'd learn to stop doing whatever it was that got me in trouble.

now, my dad and jessie (ex-stepmom) probably relied on negative punishment the most. when i think back on my childhood with them, that's what stands out the most.

the only thing any of my parents really praised me on was how well i did in school, so you can probably imagine how that went for me. even then, it was only when i got report cards back. that was 4 times a school year.

considering how little validation i got from home, i'm thinking that it's why i desperately sought approval from people at school. those people were the only people that made me feel like i wasn't bad or stupid or unlovable (which is honestly quite sad to grow up thinking).

from there, it turned into my personality becoming unhealthy as i only started doing things to fit in, got jealous when i got to see others praised and not me (i'd get worked up over not being recognized for the littlest shit), got jealous pretty much over everything anytime i felt just the slightest bit invalidated or unrecognized, etc.

i was so fucking focused on how others perceived me that that's probably why i had no clue who i actually was until a couple years ago.

i pretended for so long to be someone i wasn't. you guys can even see that in the persona "andy" i had.

damn, i was so jealous and hurt and angry and desperate when i was young,,,

pretty sure i just came to an epiphany.

well, my seeking for my identity has become clearer as i've gotten older and matured. i'm able to more clearly analyze my past that made me who i am so i can understand myself now.

the desperate need for validation has been gradually lessening over the years.

i think my love language is words of affirmation just cuz of the lasting impacts of the lack of validation i received from home as a child. quality time and physical touch are important to me as well though.

i could go into more depth about all of what i've written, but i don't wanna make this too long.

just me thinking out loud in a way.

(10.14.20)