You Are The Reason I Still Fight ! fransykes !

15. idk what to nsme this chapter

Sorry if this chapter sucks I'm trying to make it better but it might turn out the opposite, comment on everything but also comment on how this is written versus the other chapters

Josh's pov

Days and weeks pass in a blink of an eye. Living those days it seemed like time was going so slow. All those endless hours of training blood and sweat. The days have been getting shorter and colder and the nights seem longer.

That could be because it's getting close to winter or maybe because at night I don't have Oli around me to speed up time. At night I'm left overthinking about the things that happened that day or week. Stupid things that don't matter bother me a lot.

For example yesterday I said something and it made him upset.

"I would look ridicules in that," I said when I was with him. We were at the gym and Remington showed me a skirt and said I could pull it off. I don't know what he was thinking or why me saying the truth hurt Oli but it did. He asked me "why?" And I obviously told him the truth.

"Guys dont wear dresses," it's the truth. Normal guys don't wear girl clothes. Oliver seemed distraught or something when I said that. Theres no reason why, at least in my mind, he doesn't wear skirts.

It was hardly anything but all night I've been thinking about the disappointment on his face when those words came out my mouth. He was and probably still is, disappointed in me. For thinking- for knowing normal guys don't wear skirts? In the end it doesn't matter but it doesn't mean I'm going to stop thinking about it.

Because in the end, nothing matters. If I didn't think of things that didn't matter everything would get so much worse. I dont even matter in the grand scheme of things.

So here I sit in my bedroom thinking about everything yet nothing. My brain goes of in tangents of scenarios mainly circling the thought of Oli and me becoming more than friends.

By now I've realized I have feelings for Oliver. Feelings I've never had towards someone. It honestly freaks me out but I've accepted it. I like Oliver, my huge ass crush doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I really like him. I know this makes me gay, that's not scary. What is scary is someone else knowing.

For now I'm going to stay closeted. I'm not going to out myself. If word got to my dad... Well, let's just hope he never finds out his son has thought about sleeping with guys- guy. I've only thought about sleeping with one guy.

Oliver...

Why I haven't told him or even hinted at liking him has lots of reasons. He doesn't seem to look st me the same way and rejection would be awkward. He's my training partner and friend, I don't want to mess that up. He said once before that sexual things scare him so I don't think he actually dates people. If I told him I'm gay word could get out and possibly to my dad.

It wouldn't be hard for it to get to him, if it gets on the internet then my sister will probably see it and definitely tell our dad. I'm not embarrassed that I like Oli, I'm not even embarrassed that I've thought of him, a guy, naked before. I just won't be saying it because I don't want my dad to hate me. I don't want my mom to hate me... Or anyone for that matter.

Sometimes its best to hide parts of ourselves to save people from being hurt. Whether that's yourself, friends, or family, we all do it. We all have something to hide.

Oli still beats me everytime but I'm feeling stronger and more in control. The fighting he's taught me has gave me confidence. I don't need to bully people because I know I'm strong. I don't need to put others down to be up. Oli has actually taught me so much. He doesn't know it but I listen to what he says. He might be talking to himself as he says it but I hear it.