You Are The Reason I Still Fight ! fransykes !

16.

Oli's Pov

Before I open my eyes I try to think of what woke me up. I do this every night or morning just so I'm prepared to face whatever is in my room. I've trained myself not to flinch or stir around after waking up. I'm laying on my side and the warm blankets are over most of my body and my hand.

Nothing seems out of the ordinary, I'm just in my room. Kellin's probably asleep, it's still night before its very dark in the room. My eyes slowly open but my eyebrows knit together as I see Josh's sleeping face. Its tilted to the side resting on the bed. I'm not in my bad and it's not blankets that's on my hand.

It's his hand.

His warm hand is on mine like he was holding my hand before he fell asleep.  He's not even on his own bed, I am. It's as if time is paused except for me. He's frozen in place.

As my eyes leave his angelic face they go back to our hands. My knuckles are bruised and slightly bloody. Theres a god awful dread the lives in my heart. The doom and gloom isnt broken instantly when I see he's here for me. It helps but he can't safe me. He can't fix me.

I'm a broken boy whose happiness and innocents got stolen. The real me got his wings cut off and was thrown into a dark cage inside my head. The key was thrown away and I was forgotten about.

What people see now is my body on auto pilot and only occasionally I can be me. I'm me when I'm at the gym. I'm me when I'm sad. But I'm not here when I'm numb. I'm almost always numb.

Josh has gotten me out of my cage a few times in class when he'll do something stupid like trip over his own feet in the hallways. We have a class in the same area befor music so we walk to music together. We never plan it, it just happens. We don't even talk while we walk but it's not awkward.

My eyes watch him as I think of him instead of what happened. He can't be comfortable like that. His knees and back will hurt in the morning. I don't remember going to sleep, the last thing I remember is crying in his arms. Don't think about why you were crying. It's not important...

It happened, it's over. The end.

"Josh," I whisper not sitting up. I have no energy to sit up or fake happy.  He doesn't wake up so I pull my hand out from under his and run my fingers through his thick brown hair. "Josh?" I ask again and his eyes slowly open and his eyes meet mine. My eyes are dark and full of sadness, I know they are, they always seem like that.

When I'm truly happy my eyes light up and my brown dead eyes turn into green alive ones. "Are you okay?" He asks sitting up and I take my hand away and close my eyes in a long blink. No I'm not okay.

"You are going to regret sleeping like that, how about you get in bed?" I ask changing the topic. I scoot back and pull the blankets up for him. He gets up and his knees and joints pop loudly. He stretches a little and gets in the bed next to me. He is the only person I trust to be this close to me. Emotional and physical. 

I like him. I forgive him for bullying me but I'll never forget. He hurt me. Everyone has hurt me. He hasn't hurt me in a long time, I want to think he changed.

This is my problem, I trust people to change. The feelings can't be helped. He has helped me and showed me he's human. So I forgive him even though I know he'll hurt me again. Everyone I trust hurts me after I believe they won't.

He's looking at me but I don't say anything, I just stare into his eyes. His ocean eyes will be the death of me I'll drown in them. That or I'll 'accidentally' die some tragic way. He's so unaware of how fucked up I am and how many secrets I have.

"I won't force you to tell me what happened but if you want or need to talk to someone, I'm here. I'll always help you and I promise I won't judge you for it," he says and I actually believe him. That doesn't mean much though, I just don't want to think it talk about what happened.  Even if he kept it a secret I dont want him to know. I don't even want to voice it because it will seem so much more real.