Oxford Boys

49. Calm down

"So was this is what you thought I'd hate you for?", Jake's voice sounds pissed.

"I don't want to put pressure on you or whatever. You don't have to deal with the consequences. I'll cope with it. Damn, I know we are far too young for this and it's not what we planned for. But I can't give this baby up. It's a miracle it survived the crash and all the medication. Of course I know it's your life too and please Jake live it to the full. Live it as you had planned, there doesn't need to be any consequences for you. I'm not demanding anything from you." I think I've never spoken this fast in my whole life.

"Sam are you fucking serious?" He's fuming, his hands running through his hair while walking back and forth. Knew this wasn't going to end well. "Is this what you think about me?", he yells and I fight back the tears. This is my fault I have no right to cry.

"Calm down mate", Evans interferes.

"Calm down? The love of my life, seems to think I'm a fucking monster. How am I to calm down? How long do you all know, huh? Am I the only stupid guy running around not knowing it? Gosh you puked during class and I couldn't even put one and one together, how stupid could I be?", his voice isn't calming down at all, it's getting louder and angrier by the second.

Evans puts a hand on Jake's shoulder trying to calm him. "I only found out on Thursday. Sam and I had an argument about it too. She made me promise not to tell you yet until she has sorted some things out, because this stubborn girl thinks she is messing up your life too much. Believe me, I was angry with her too."

"And you, how long have you known about this?", he spins around to me and points accusingly one finger at me.

"I found out two days before leaving hospital. So about two weeks now", I almost whisper.

"Is this the reason you were ignoring me so determined?"

"That and of course I was still hurt about all the secrets you kept from me. Secrets which have changed my whole life. But yes it was the reason I was more determined. Your parents made you live a life you never wanted, I'm not doing the same to you."

"Don't you think you are being a hypocrite right now? You were angry for me keeping secrets from you, secrets I had to keep to protect others. And now you are keeping secrets from me, because you think you are protecting me? What about my wishes, about my rights? When was I supposed to find out? Or did you intend on leaving and never letting me know I have a baby?" He tugs his hair hard while yelling.

"Of course I was going to tell you. I just wanted some time to sort things out. To have somewhere to live with the baby and make sure I can take care of it. You weren't supposed to feel you have to take care of us, if anything you should have the chance to decide without pressure if you want to be part of our or just the baby's life or not. And I was fucking afraid you wouldn't want it in the first place. I can't give our baby up Jake, I just can't."

"Gosh Sam I really can't believe you are saying this or even thinking this way. You ever listened to yourself?", he's beyond furious right now.

Jake grabs a jacket and runs out on me, slamming the door behind him. Defeated I slump down on the couch and start crying. Evans comes up to me and holds me. God why was I so stupid to pretend everything was alright between Jake and me beforehand and fucking slept with him. Landing in his arms and seeing his beautiful green eyes, my mind switched on to autopilot, it took what it was longing for so deeply without thinking about the consequences. I should have stopped him before we went that far, I should have told him beforehand. Fuck Evans was so right about telling him beforehand. It's just like Jake said, I'm a stupid hypocrite deciding to keep secrets from him when I was so angry about him keeping secrets. Ok, my secret has nothing to do with anyone being killed and yet I'm not giving him a chance to decide for himself.