Forever Ruined

Chapter Fifty-Three

It was smooth sailing for the next few months even the weather cooperated which meant they were making good time in their return to England. For Clara, she knew this meant the end of her adventure, the end of her time with Benjamin.

"What a sad expression," James said as he came to visit her, as he always did around this time a day. Clara swore he chose it on purpose, knowing that Benjamin would be preoccupied with his daily tasks so he could have her all to himself.

"What could have you so vexed, I wonder?" he asked sitting on the edge of his desk as she sat behind it to work on drawing and copying the notes to complete Lord Fitton's volumes on the flora and fauna he's discovered in his travels.

"The silliness of a woman," Clara said, shaking her head at her own thoughts. There was no sense in dreading what was to come if it spoilt what she had right now.

"I've known many silly and even ridiculous woman Clara. You are neither," James said with his usual grin.

"Have you ever wanted something you couldn't have? No matter how much you wanted it. It always just seemed right out of your grasp."

Captain McCullen's expression sobered. "Are we being completely forthright with one another now?" he asked.

Clara nodded.

"Then I'll be honest with you, Clara. I never coveted another man's lot. I lived the life I've chosen for myself. Being the second son in the family, I had none of the pressures to measure up that my brother had. The Church was definitely not for me and so into the navy, I fled. I have done many things, some I'm not very proud of, to get where I am now. To become the Master of my own vessel, of my own crew, but never would I begrudge another. Until recently."

"Really?" Clara asked intrigued, "What changed?"

James stood up from the desk and he paced the cabin as he thought about her question and how to best answer it.

"I have. I suppose, but the worst thing about it is, what I want I can not have. I know this, yet it doesn't stop me from wanting it. The desire is so strong, at times, it's almost painful."

"Yes!" Clara said, excited to have found in James, a kindred spirit.

"It's maddening. You can so easily see it happening. Yet you can't understand why you are denied time and time again and here is nothing you can do about it."

Captain McCullen stopped pacing, "Nothing at all."

"Are we not supposed to be happy?" Clara asked.

"I would like to be," Captain McCullen replied.

"Are we being punished for some wrongdoing? From in some past life, that we are continually denied this happiness? This exclusive desire we want so badly?"

"In my case, Clara, that may be certain, but I can't imagine what you could have done to warrant such abuse."

Clara stood up and meet James on the other side of the desk.

"Can nothing be done then? Are we just destined to live out our lives an empty void with a hole that can never be filled because what we truly want can never be ours?"

James grabbed hold of Clara's arms and stared into her eyes. "I pray to whatever gods are listening for that not to be the case."

"I just wish there was some way to put the power back into our own hands. Why must we suffer? Why must we be tormented? Why can't we just reach out and take what should be ours?"

"Yes. Why shouldn't we?" James said, and then to Clara's surprise, James came crashing down on her lips as he held her tight in his embrace.

Clara shoved him away, and her hand flew to strike him hard across the face.