Live Through This/ Liam Gallagher

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

THE 1996 MTV VMAS

It had been a long day leading up to this, it had been weeks since I'd last seen my boyfriend, hours since I'd last spoken to him and now here I was, getting ready to perform at the preshow. Part of my deal to get Blur in for the night.

However, I'd found myself breaking part of the rules. Doing more of a tribute to the past couple of years and what everyone had gone through, personally and publicly.

There had been a lot of preparation for tonight. Weeks actually. I had left England early, wanting to shake the nerves of performing out my body, which was when I'd gotten the idea for what I was doing.

The lighting in the dressing room was bad enough, and it didn't help that I felt like shit, brushing off my jeans, I picked at the waist band of the fishnets underneath before jumping at the knock at the door. "Who is it?" I call out

"Steve, look, you gotta go. It's time. They delayed it for five minutes. But it's time now."

"Right. Er, uh is he watching or waiting nearby?" I ask, referring to Liam, as I'd asked the backstage crew to get him to the preshow in order to watch.

"Yep. They got him there 10 minutes ago." Steve chuckles "Now come on. They even tuned your guitar for you."

Shakily, I open the door and say "God, I feel sick."

"You always do before going on, then you remember how great it is and remember why you like it." He says, walking me towards the area of the stage.

"And why do I like it?" I ask

"No time." He urges me towards the stage crew, who are alert and quickly make sure everything is in place.

My guitar had been placed in my hands, and I was now securing the strap, making sure I had it to my level and strummed it nicely, before hearing the familiar and friendly voice, belonging to the one and only... Someone who I'd managed to make up with when I'd come back to the states.

Sure. I wasn't the greatest fan of his music. But the guy was sweet, and we'd decided to do this in order to cope, to try and urge the music community to move along.

We exchange a quick hug and I grin a bit "You ready for this?"

He shakes his head and laughs a bit "You know damn well I'm nervous. MTV always makes me feel fuckin sick."

"Tell me about it. Just glad we got the extra rehearsal time, got a bit worried for a little bit when we couldn't get the last one to come together."

He nods, before placing his hand on my shoulder in a paternal type of gesture. "Avery. You'll be fine, no, you'll be amazing. You always are."

Before I can respond, my thoughts are interrupted by the sound of someone introducing us. "And now, the VMAS are proud to present, the lovely Avery Pince of WaitTime and her special guest... Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam!"

I walk out hesitantly, my eyes flickering over the crowd of people, beaming a bit as I made my way up towards the microphone that had been set up for me.

Steve was wrong. My nerves had not gone away yet, much to my dislike. "Hey everyone. Um. I know it's been awhile. It's been a rough couple of years for me, for all of us. And I think we all know that. So, it's time we embrace who we were, who we are and where we're going..."

I step back, running my hands over the guitar as Eddie steps up to his microphone and says "This one's called All Apologies."

I needed to put my nerves and thoughts about him to rest, all of the what if's I had thought of, the endless nights without sleep, the reason I think I had left the states, even though I'd blamed it on Karlie. Spending my time with Liam made me realize that I was not the same person and I couldn't continue to burden myself with grief.

It was time to let go.

"What else should I be? All apologies.. What else could I say? Everyone is gay. What else could I write?

I don't have the right.. What else should I be?All apologies.."

The tender sound of the guitars and the blend of our voices went nicely with the song. I was growing more comfortable with the stage as well, not even really looking out into the crowd and getting the slightest bit nervous.

To me it was a sign, that I was forgiving myself for 1994 and 1995. Healing and reviving myself almost. Kurt had been a large part of my life, he'd introduced me to my greatest friends, given me solace when I thought the world had hated me, and everything.

In some ways, he had been the greatest friend. But in trying to heal, I'd made the mistake of burying my feelings and the facts down, trying to forget he had ever happened. I couldn't even say his name at one point. It had been that bad.

"In the sun... In the sun I feel as one
In the sun, In the sun
Married...Buried..."

It was wrong to do that. But now, I could feel myself waking those memories up, rejoicing in them, but still finding room for myself and everything new that had come and entered my life as well.

I remembered hearing All Apologies for the first time, backstage at Reading fest 1992, watching him dedicate it to his newborn daughter and wife. I remember hearing it on In Utero. Live, at MTV's Unplugged passion.

I'd chosen the song because of how much importance it held to my friends and I. How much I loved it, and had loved the person who made it and breathed live into it.

As the song neared the end, I could feel my fingers twitching on the all familiar riff, my voice singing carefully into the microphone

"All in all, is all we are..."

When it finished, there didn't seem to be a dry eye nearby, and the applause followed suit. I pulled myself towards the microphone for a second before saying "We love and miss you. Thank you all and good night."

I allow Eddie to pull me in for yet another hug, this one was longer and richer than the last. Wiping my eyes, I went and exited the stage from the other direction, proud of myself, and excited to go see the man I was infatuated with.

Liam Gallagher.